What's a Breakthrough for you?

I’ve been coaching a client recently and we explored what a “breakthrough” would look like to her. Here’s what she had to say:

A breakthrough would be moving through my recurring emotional impasse so I am finally free of it. I would breakthrough into a freedom to create, to be passionate about my work, and to feel righteous indignation (when appropriate) without the whiplash of fear and shame. I could allow myself to soar without fear of being struck down and allow myself to fail without fear of ultimate destruction.

Such a great list! I wish all of us this breakthrough. Ready for a breakthrough? What would that look like to you?
© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The Mystery of the Left Turn—A true story (because I can’t make this stuff up!)

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. Still, in some situations, my brain doesn’t work well. I struggle with simple math calculations. And I get lost. A lot. Yesterday I walked a mile in the wrong direction until I slowly understood my error. At first, I denied the possibility. I’ve always turned left at that intersection. I know I turn left. If the street looks different today, it’s because I’m walking instead of driving.

I plodded along looking for landmarks. Finally, I asked for help, but when the driver pointed in the opposite direction, I didn’t believe him! My brain couldn’t compute that I was going in the wrong direction. (Can we say cognitive dissonance?) I continued walking. But after several others confirmed my error, I stopped. I stood still, in the middle of the urban jungle, trying to comprehend how my sense of direction could be so wrong. I was only duplicating my previous travel to this site.

If only I could understand what happened. But even without understanding, I now had to face the truth. I had walked at least a mile in the hot sun. Now I was even further from my goal. I had given myself ample travel time but now I would be late. I couldn’t be late—I was the one with the key ! I am never late! That is why I gave myself 2 hours to reach this appointment.

I trudged along. I had just missed the bus (of course).

As I walked in dismay, I suddenly realized my simple error. It is the error I always make when I get lost and it is the error I never see or anticipate. I had made an assumption. My assumption was so rapid and unconscious I didn’t even know it was there. I had assumed that I was coming from the same direction but now I wondered--had the train left me off at the same spot as my car route? It had looked the same. The train ran along the same highway I had taken previously. I had scanned the intersection, confirming my route. I had exited at this spot many times. But there were no buildings as landmarks. And then I remembered! The “Blue Line” train moves in a “U” shape. My inaccurate assumption: visualizing myself coming from home (west), when in fact, I had been turned around downtown.

I have a bad habit of making these kind of assumptions when I travel in unfamiliar places. I always see myself as coming from the North or West and never think to question this.

Do I also make similar (unconscious) assumptions when I talk or listen to others?

One more realization emerged from this adventure. Although I was traveling to an unfamiliar place, I had chosen trains I had taken before. Later, I realized that other routes, using buses, would have been far easier and more direct. I had followed the most familiar path available, never questioning other options.

It was a strange, woozy feeling to suddenly see my assumptions—the “sea I swim in.” It was both embarrassing and exhilarating. The world suddenly opened up, past my pre-conceptions.

When the events in your life attempt to point you in another direction, are you willing to question your assumptions? © 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The Cab Ride Disaster: Seeing through another’s Eyes: A True Story

It had been a long grueling day at a conference. I was happy to see taxis waiting just outside and rushed to grab one. But I was also a Chicago gal, and I feared getting stung on an unknown rate. I always ask cabbies what they charge before I get into their car. I marched up to the first cabbie.

He mumbled, “I’m not sure, it’s a meter.”

Nope. I wasn’t going to do that. I walked down the row to the next cab. He was asking too much money. I moved to the next cab. His fare sounded reasonable but as I moved to get into the car, he moved slowly forward to follow the line of cabs. I followed him. Finally, a ride toward home!

As I approached the car door, a large union worker barked at me.

“There’s a line here! You need to get in line!”

Was it my great fatigue, or was it anger at the accusation? I wasn’t the type to cut in line. I hadn’t noticed any line. My voice was strong and fierce.

“I’ve been here! I was here before the others!”

I moved to the cab again.

“You need to get in line!”

I wasn’t going to fight with the burly union worker. There was one woman waiting for a cab. I stood behind her.

“Go ahead,” she said kindly.

Again, I moved to the cab.

“You need to—“ The union worker was yelling now.

“She told me to take this cab!” I was almost pleading. What was going on?

“How should I know that?” He bellowed and continued to complain to himself and others.

Finally, I got into the cab.

I told the driver my destination. He repeated it, using a slightly different name. I confirmed. We drove in silence.

I’ve always been nervous taking cabs. I prefer to walk if I can. Now we were driving in an unknown part of town. I repeated my destination.

“I know where I’m going,” he said, “just let me drive!”

I was shocked by his angry tone. Chicago cabbies could be tough but this seemed extreme. We continued through unknown streets. He wanted me to be quiet but I wasn’t going to risk a misunderstanding and an unwanted destination.

“I’m sorry,” I started, “but I want to make sure we’re going to Union Station. I don’t recognize where we’re going.”

“I know where we are going. This is the route I always take. If you want to get out of the cab now, I can stop now. Don’t tell me how to drive.”

What could I do? I was driving with an enraged cabbie in a dodgy, unfamiliar neighborhood. Still, I had learned to be strong in the city and not let myself be a victim. Also, my taxi ride that morning had taken me to the wrong spot.

“I just want to make sure that---“

“Listen lady, just because you’re having a hard day and you’re screaming at everyone else, doesn’t mean that you get to scream at me. I won’t take it. I won’t. You don’t get to throw your garbage at me.”

I sat stunned. This was a bad dream. Yelled at by the union worker, and now this cabbie. Even though my tone had been soft and civil, he assumed I was a raving witch. How had I seemed to him earlier, as I struggled outside his cab?

I kept quiet. The cabbie continued to berate me, and then also grew quiet. I saw we were nearing Union Station. I gathered my bags.

“Have a good day, lady.” He said. Was he feeling sorry for his tirade or just sorry for the angry woman with a bad attitude?

I hesitated. I had a choice: create more anger or seek peace?

I took a deep breath. “You have a good day too.”

We see all events through a prism of our history, our current mood, and our beliefs. I saw myself as a tired commuter, unaware of the taxi line protocol. To the cabbie, I was a pushy woman who abused his friend, the union enforcer. Our communication was further complicated by my fears of taxi rides and (probably) the cabbie’s own challenging day.

My cab “disaster” was a vivid lesson showing me how all interactions are a complex mix of conscious and unconscious attitudes and assumptions. Even though I felt mistreated by the cabbie and the enforcer, I suddenly realized that they were only trying to do their jobs and each saw me as a rule-breaker.

I doubt that I’ll ever see either Chicagoan again. But the event helps me remember that we each see the world differently. Keeping this in mind can help me communicate with more compassion and help bring more harmony to my tiny corner of world.

Sometimes it's hard to choose between two great things.....

Instead of choosing, I'm seeking to strike a balance between the worlds of fiction and nonfiction. I want both. In addition to my training work, one of my plays is now turning into a film. I'll be helping to direct. Fun!

The value of emotional data

If I’m speaking to manufacturers or other “no-nonsense” groups, I sometimes worry that my EI workshops might be too “touchy feely.” An ironic concern, yes? But my fears illustrate our culture’s discomfort with emotions. I need to remind myself and my participants that emotions provide powerful information that we can’t access in any other way. Isn’t it time to look more deeply (and take more seriously) this unknown territory in ourselves?

Here’s one more irony: companies pour over financial data and shop floor statistics. Experts try to find any small area to leverage and improve performance. But we still ignore the most important element of workplace efficiency-- employees’ relationships and communication in the workplace. How much more could performance improve if we perceived, understood, and managed the emotions that underlie our everyday thoughts and actions?
©2010Lewis-Barr

A Christmas Workplace Carol (A true story)

One of my clients recently had a breakthrough at work. Karen struggled with several colleagues who were allied against her. Because she depended on these other women, Karen often felt stressed and angry. As we examined her interactions, Karen saw her negative patterns of self-defensive behaviors. She wanted to be lighthearted and kind. She wanted to laugh, joke, and smile as she did with others at work. But when she encountered Debra or Elaine, her face stiffened. As Karen grew cold, Debra and Elaine retaliated. Prolonged silence soon led to ignoring each other and even ignoring legitimate work requests. Karen felt scared, sick, and embarrassed. Why did they hate her so much? Each new day added deeper injuries and destroyed trust. Although she prided herself on her “people skills,” Karen felt trapped in her suspicions. She couldn’t talk to either Debra or Elaine. She had to quit. There was no other way out.

When other co-workers realized the depth of Karen’s despair, they began to see their own complicity. The office gossip and intrigues had made Karen a departmental scapegoat. But most of the group loved Karen and didn’t want to lose her. They began to speak to Elaine and Debra on Karen’s behalf.

Before too long, Karen felt a shift. As Debra and Elaine relaxed, she relaxed, until one day all three women spontaneously apologized to each other.

A happy ending? Yes. But more than that…. Several weeks later, Karen asked Debra for a favor and Debra, feeling stressed, snapped back with irritation. In the past, Karen might have snapped back or glared--beginning a new sequence of passive-aggressive withdrawal. But the exhausting struggles of the past months had softened Karen. She was willing to grant Debra some slack. Karen had seen her own imperfections and, most importantly, she didn’t want to go back to a warfare mentality. Her struggles with Debra and Elaine had diminished her need for revenge. She was willing to forgive, not for Debra’s sake, but for her own. Carrying a grunge was hard work! With gratitude at this lesson, she smiled (sincerely) to Debra. What joy! Karen felt freed from her need to retaliate. And instead of feeling guilty for her own rude reactions, Karen now felt proud of her response. It was a wonderful moment. She knew that her corner of the workplace could (and would) stay peaceful. © 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Motivation in the Workplace. Who's to Blame?

I'm not close with one of my sisters. This is a painful truth. I could give you theories to explain why we've grown distant but that could take days. When family (or workplace) relationships disintegrate, it takes time. Trust is lost and then more trust is lost until a canyon of suspicion separates us and obliterates bridges of empathy and understanding.

I've been getting requests for training in motivation. Many employers seem mystified-how can they get their workers to care? A complex question! And I'm reminded of my struggles with my sister. It's tempting to blame her but I know that we have both created our relationship. Workplace dynamics are equally complicated. Employers often hope for a magic wand to transform their “lazy” workers into enthusiastic employees. But, unless a disengaged worker is simply unwilling to work (rare), the employer is probably contributing to the problem. To motivate workers, employers may need to start with changing themselves. Have they taken the time to know the employee and see what intrinsically motivates him/her? Is the company creating a product or service that the employee can offer with pride? Has the employee received enough feedback and training to do his/her job? Is this employee the right person for the job?

The bad news is that recovering lost trust and interpersonal harmony is hard work. The good news is--each side has the ability to improve the frustrating situation. For my sister and I--we may achieve only a truce. But at least we know we're both responsible for our struggles. We begin with that knowledge.

Nurturing a positive workplace culture unleashes creativity and enthusiasm. Such a transformation will not be instant, but it can happen if employers seek to change not only their employees, but also themselves.© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

What is Your True Calling?

It isn't that you don't know what you're called to do. It's just terrifying to confront one's true calling. Certain thoughts haunt us for our entire lives. Exquisite and excruciating work--our unique calling. What's your "true work?"

I'm revisiting my work in the theatre today, going through old files and notebooks. This work scares me but also calls....

Looking to integrate my theatre training with my work in emotional intelligence.
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Style Differences: Are You A Fighter or Flight-er?

Does your company use assessments such as the Myers Briggs tool? Many of my clients use these measurements to build empathy. Through them, employees learn that their different styles of communication are all acceptable and “normal.”

Lately, I’ve realized that differences in our emotional reactions can also be seen as a “style” issue. Some of us naturally want to “fight” if we feel threatened while others withdraw in “flight.” In the workplace, both fight and flight can be very subtle: a look, a few words, or a tone of voice. But if we are honest with ourselves, we can discover the hidden impulse of fight or flight in some of our reactions.

Fighters (my own tendency) can see themselves as passionate and feel that those who withdraw “don’t care.” Flee-ers want to keep the atmosphere pleasant and may see Fighters as destructive and out of control. Today I’m feeling more empathy for a co-worker who withdraws. I had thought he “didn’t care.” What a relief to realize that we show our care in different ways.

The daily work of EI never ends….

What is your experience of fight or flight at work?
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Talking about Self-disclosure

I've been dialoging with a reader about self-disclosure. Thought I'd share a bit on this blog.

Ute writes:
I totally relate to your article.I often don’t want to share my REAL feelings, because I’m uncomfortable about what they are. Although, as a trainer, when I do self disclose, the most positive feedback I receive is when participants say that they really related to what I have said, and they appreciate my honesty.
Almost always, people say that they don’t tell their true feelings (particularly at work) because they will be vulnerable and they fear it will be used against them. I have never found a satisfactory reply to this comment. Because people do make fun of us and put us down for being open and vulnerable. What can I say to people when they ask me about this?
Laura Lewis-Barr Says: September 23rd, 2009 at 5:43 am
Thanks for your reply Ute. I also appreciate your honesty!My thoughts to your question: For me, part of EI is working to understand when a situation is truly unsafe, and when it is only my exaggerated fears (based on unrealistic thoughts) that create feelings of vulnerability. Learning to discriminate between my subjective inner world and the outer world is a lifelong process for me. Through practice and observation, I do believe we can learn to recognize when a situation is truly unsafe. That doesn’t mean that we don’t disclose at all, but we can be careful. We can also learn to withstand aggression from others and not take their words to heart. But it is very difficult!If we are able to stay in dialogue with the aggressors, we can possibly change the situation through our clarity, strength and courage. But it is hard!!!

What are your thoughts and concerns about self-disclosure?
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The Power of Passion

A true story.

Rick and I are selling our home. Several weeks ago, we readied ourselves to interview several realtors. Still, we knew our tendency—to go with the first person we met. That was Bob. Nice guy. After hellos, we sat at our dining table and Bob took us through his glossy brochure. He described his brokerage, his sales strategies, and selling philosophy. Then we paged through the contracts. After an hour, we were ready for a walk-thru. As we pointed out improvements and made excuses for eccentricities, Bob said little. We moved quickly from room to room, shook hands, and Bob left.

“So, he seems ok, right?” Rick knew our busy schedules and how much we both hated this interviewing process.

I shrugged. I wanted to go with Bob so we could be done with interviews, but his silence felt like disinterest, or worse. How could he sell our home if he was apathetic (or appalled)?

I arranged another interview. Denise came over the next evening, while Rick was at a Cubs game.

She shook my hand and launched into the living room. Denise had worked designing new homes. I feared she would detest my unconventional art and my “unusual” design choices. But Denise wasn’t a snob. She immediately began talking about what she saw-the furniture, the colors, the architecture. She “got” my style and offered helpful suggestions to make our home more “mainstream.” We spent two hours, going from room to room.

It was now 9 pm. Denise was in heels, but she impulsively began moving my furniture. I grabbed the other end of a couch so it wouldn’t drag on the oak floors.

“Do you always do this on your first visit?” I teased.

“Only with clients who will let me.”

Denise and I had never sat down. She had never formally pitched herself or her company, but here she was, at the end of a long day, moving furniture throughout my home. Her passion for real estate was palpable.

Rick came home from the game to a newly staged living room.

While Bob seemed competent, ethical and kind, Denise’s incredible zeal closed the deal. From the minute she entered the room, it was clear we would employ her talents and enthusiasm. In all lines of work, there is no substitute for passion.

What are you passionate about? Is there a way to bring your passions to your work?

© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Powerful Unseen Forces at Work

Does this scenario sound familiar? A manager perpetuates inefficient policies to protect his departmental “turf.” “Greg” wants assurances that all “his” numbers are credited to him. He is afraid to share credit on any project for fear of budget or position cuts. So Greg duplicates the work of other departments and won’t streamline processes. But as Greg works diligently to protect his own fiefdom, he frustrates his staff and colleagues.

Ironically, if Greg made choices that benefited the greater good, his position would be more secure. Greg’s staff would be more motivated and his colleagues would recognize the value he adds to their division. But Greg doesn’t believe this. He is driven by fears of unseen number-crunchers. His paranoid conversations with the accounting department never go well. As he realizes (unconsciously) that his work lacks value, Greg may become more afraid and even create a self-fulfilling prophecy of what he most fears.

Greg may survive in the short-term but his refusal to face his real motivations will send a cognitive dissonance throughout his small department. His staff, colleagues and superiors will sense his hidden agendas, even if they cannot name them. These invisible drives, based on unconscious fears, will continue to undermine all work and Greg’s ability to inspire and lead.
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The answer is coming. It's just out of sight.

I've been sitting with a “problem” for months. I use quotes because I know from experience that I see problems only when my perception is limited. When my vision expands (or clears), I see the solution (hidden like a fortune) inside my problem (cookie).

In the theatre, I faced this paradox countless times. I would be staging a scene and find myself trapped in an “impossible” dynamic. I'd need an actor to be in a different place. Or a “vital” prop would be unavailable. Or time, money and resources would evaporate as opening night approached.

In each case as I “sat with” my insurmountable problem, an unforeseen solution would materialize. One moment I am stuck and then I see an opening. Have you had this experience? It's a hoot.

The solution only appears when I'm relaxed and patient. But it always appears.

Today I'm sitting with another impossible dilemma. I have a book to write, a great part time college gig, and a growing training business. How can I find the time to write and keep growing my business without giving up my great part time job? If I need to give something up, what should it be, and when? I've been posing these questions for months. No answer has emerged - yet. Perhaps the timing is not right for my writing or a change in direction. I watch and wait. I know that working with the flow of events is essential.

The answer is coming. It's just out of sight.

© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Managing Emotions--Good Article

Here is an excerpt from a helpful article in Forbes.com. There are plenty of practical tips that are not about repressing emotions (not good) but managing emotions (necessary). To read the entire article click here.

When you're feeling cranky, it's often easy to pinpoint (or point fingers at) the problem: your boss, your husband, traffic. But while any one or all may be a problem at the moment, they are not in control of your reaction to them. You are.

Managing how you respond to others is oftentimes simply a matter of managing your thoughts, says Steven Alper, LSCW, a consultant with the Scripps Center for Integrative Medicine who teaches stress-reduction techniques to executives.

For example, if your boss gives you an extremely tight deadline for a project, it's easy to get caught in an endless spin cycle of whining: I can't believe she did this to me again! Doesn't she realize I have 10 other things to do this week? Not to mention a family at home that needs me--not that she would know what that's like.

In other words, you're wasting precious time and energy ruminating about the past (all those other 11th-hour assignments) and fretting about the future (not finishing in time to get your kids from daycare).

The solution, instead, is to bring yourself into the present. Either get to work, recruit help or explain to your boss why the deadline is unrealistic.

A Teacher Models Emotional Intelligence

Thank you to the Association for Childhood Education International (ACEI) for permission to link to this terrific article from their March 2008 publication (Childhood Education). Author Sue Grossman courageously details the complicated and contradictory feelings a teacher may have for a student. It is only when we are this honest that we can learn to manage and transform our negative feelings. Then we can stop these hidden emotions from causing unseen reactions in ourselves and others.

Here is a quote from the article.

All good teachers try hard to treat each child fairly and kindly, with care and concern. Indeed, we are ethically obliged to do so (National Association for the Education of Young Children [NAEYC], 2005). As we are human, however, we may occasionally meet a child to whom we react negatively (Maxim, 1997). This was certainly true for me as a kindergarten teacher. It is not something to be proud of, but we must admit
it honestly in order to work through it and thus ensure fair treatment of each child.

The subject is only sparsely addressed in the early childhood literature (Checkley, 2006), and only a few references to teachers’ feelings about specific children can be found (Katz, 1995; Maxim, 1997). This is unfortunate; if ignored or denied, such feelings have the potential to do harm. Like steam in a pipe, feelings unexpressed or ignored will escape somewhere and may result in an outburst toward an undeserving child (Checkley, 2006).

Many of us have been taught throughout our lives to be “nice,” and that
it is unacceptable to have negative feelings, especially about children. We are condemned as heartless and cruel if we do not like all of the children we teach. Yet it simply may not be possible to like all children. As an acquaintance of mine once said, If there is even one child whose absence from school pleases you, you do not love all children!

Being Forced to Face Feelings
Passive children were always a challenge for me. I much preferred the rambunctious, out-of-bounds ones with spunk and energy, even if they needed to be reined in a bit. Alice Ann appeared to be a typical 5-year-old as I observed her at play with other kindergartners. When I spoke to her, however, she would stare at me, mouth a bit open, silently unresponsive. She seemed intimidated by me, yet I thought of myself as a nice person and a reasonably good teacher whom children should like and certainly have no reason to fear! How a child responds to you has an effect
on how you respond to him or her.

You can read the entire article here.

Our Greatest Time Management Challenge

I teach a terrific Time Management class. It is full of great tips and proven principles. But lately, I’ve been contemplating the deeper issues of time. Everyone seems to feel deluged with duties. My clients speak of time pressures and seek desperately for a magic bullet to solve their workload dilemmas. How did this happen? Even 15 years ago, the cultural pace seemed slower, didn’t it? Are technological advances speeding up our lives? Or is it the increasing number of brilliant minds who churn out more to learn, know, and experience? I cannot keep up with the books, articles, and emails that interest me.

Meanwhile, I’ve recently been talking with several friends who are depressed. Like everyone else--their “to do" list is enormous and growing. They have too many errands, too many details to juggle, and too much to learn in a day. I can relate. Without enough “down time,” I feel overwhelmed and spent. I want to hide from the world and recharge. I’m lucky that my schedule often allows me to do this. But my friends don’t feel able to get off their treadmills. Is this why they’re depressed? Some psychologists believe that depression is our psyche’s way of getting us to go inward, to the deepest parts of ourselves that need attention.

As our “needs” and “oughts” grow we will all be forced to make hard choices regarding our time. If our employers are asking too much of us, will we be able to suggest changes? Time is a finite resource. We can learn to be efficient and use it well but we are human beings—not machines. We cannot force our bodies, minds, and spirits to exceed our own capacity for work. In this era of technological wonders, accepting our human limitations will be the greatest time management challenge we face.

© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Anger is Not the Problem

A friend recently confided that he had “acted badly” at work. He had raised his voice and snapped at his team. Now he felt ashamed.

I asked him to describe the situation.

“Greg” had repeatedly asked his logistics team to bill their trucking partners using new parameters. Time and again, Greg discovered that several of his staff were still using outdated pricing. This was unacceptable!

His anger seemed understandable to me—Greg’s directives were being ignored. Of course he felt angry. But instead of recognizing that his anger was an internal message to take action--Greg simply felt that it was “bad.” Ironically, suppressing his anger led to a bigger outburst. If he had allowed himself to simply acknowledge his mounting frustration--first to himself, and then to the others--Greg could have expressed himself with more skill.

While anger can lead to many harmful behaviors, anger itself is not the problem. If we feel ashamed of our anger (a common response) it will be even harder to navigate this emotion.
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

A Laugh for Today--Do you Suffer from Information Overload Syndrome?

The Secret of Successful Communicating: Emotional Awareness.

I keep noticing that the success of my daily interactions depends on my own clarity and inner honesty. If I'm upset or scared, this will come through in my nonverbals, no matter how hard I try to avoid this.

Here are two recent examples. A new roommate moved into my office space. Some of her coworkers started to visit and talk loudly in our tiny shared office as I tried to work. What to do? At home, I rehearsed carefully worded “I” statements. It was my problem; I was the one who found it difficult to work with nearby conversations. Still, I worried that my coworkers would be angry if I made any requests regarding sound.

As I sat with the issue, I realized that the context of this interaction was also key. I had barely given my roommate a chance to settle in and I was ready to ask for more quiet. As I explored my feelings, I realized that my intuition (that the conversation could be unproductive) was warning me.

No matter how perfectly I communicated with my coworkers, I doubt it would have gone well because of the fear and anger hidden in my own psyche. After examining my feelings, I began to see that it was my inner-pessimist that was afraid and upset (“My quiet workplace-ruined forever!”). Once I admitted these deeper feelings, I recognized that my desire to jump in quickly with “assertive” communication was really an unconscious desire to control the new situation. If I tried to talk with my coworkers without understanding these feelings, they would come through. My colleagues would probably sense my fears and anger.

Emotional awareness is vital in these everyday dilemmas. If I am conscious enough of my feelings, I can admit them (“I'm feeling afraid that my quiet workplace…”). This “I” statement is more likely to work, since I'm “owning” my feelings and not unconsciously “throwing” them at my colleagues. Without emotional awareness, I'd be unable to do this. My coworkers would be right to be offended: I would have acted on my feelings without even knowing if they were justified.

After discovering my deeper reactions, I immediately felt better. I also knew that any conversation would now be much more successful. My willingness to handle the uncertainty of the situation took the pressure off myself (and my co-workers).

Postscript: within a short time, I adjusted to my terrific, new officemate. If my work required extra quiet, I used a pair of earplugs.

Another example:
My husband and I enjoy traveling and spending time with my parents. But when they recently talked about joining us on a cruise together, I felt strangely uncomfortable. Why? As I quizzed myself, I realized I was worried about my father's fragile health. Was he really able to handle a cruise? What if something happened to him while in my care? I was worried about my Dad but also forced to admit my more selfish concerns. Would our dream vacation become mired in taking care of a sick parent?

I didn't like seeing my own selfishness, but it was important to acknowledge. I could then make a choice. I wanted a carefree vacation but I also love my parents. I knew I'd be happy to support their choice in joining us on a cruise.

Unlike my earlier example, in this case I concluded that I needed to share my concerns with my mother. Was this really a good trip for Dad? My new clarity meant that our conversation wouldn't be confused by my own inner contradictions. Before my awareness, my concerns may have merged with my more selfish fears. Now I knew my own inner truth: I was concerned and also ready to support their voyage, if they chose to go.

The only way for me to act with integrity is if I know the deepest dimensions of my reactions. Armed with this knowledge, I have the best chance of not sending a mixed message to others. Mixed messages cause stress for the receiving party. This is why a mixed message (I am trying hard not to be angry with you but am actually very angry with you) often results in conflict.

I first must communicate with myself before I can communicate with another.

© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Listen to Your Thoughts

Our enjoyment of daily life, our ability to handle setbacks, even our physical health is profoundly impacted by our thoughts. Have you listened to your own internal self-talk lately? Does your internal voice speak in absolutes or doomsday warnings? Changing our thoughts can change our enjoyment of life and our productivity on the job.

Watch out for and alter extreme statements.
Instead of "I can't control my worry" remind yourself that "I am learning skills to conquer my worry."
"Why do I always mess up my presentations at work?" becomes "I sometimes make mistakes, but not all of the time."
The statement: "I shouldn't feel angry at Bob" becomes "It’s uncomfortable to be angry at Bob, but it's not the end of the world.”