Passive Aggressive Thought Patterns

Do you recognize any of these thoughts? These unproductive assumptions help create a negative cycle of poor communication, upsetting emotions, and erratic behaviors. Changing our thoughts can change our emotions and the disruptive actions they produce.

Here are some common thoughts that create passive-aggressive behavior traps.

* I must avoid an argument or conflict at all costs.
* I never "win'' in confrontation.
* There is no use opposing them, they are much more powerful.
* I must please people by telling them what they want to hear.
* It's bad to get angry.
* No one wants to know how I feel.
* My feelings are weird; I need to hide them--no one will understand.
* I'd rather back down right away to minimize the damage of a confrontation.
* It's more important for people to like me than hear the truth.
* It is better to deny my feelings than upset someone.
* If I lie, others will never know the truth.
© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Metaphor for managing thoughts--Passengers on the Bus

Your thoughts are like commuters on a bus. You are the driver of the bus. The passengers may make critical, abusive, intrusive, distracting, and shouting directions as you drive. You can ignore these comments. You can allow these passengers to shout noisily while keeping your attention focused on the road ahead. You can focus on keeping the bus heading towards your goal or value. ©lewis-barr (Adapted from Hayes et al 1999 and Carol Vivyan 2009)

Are you a worrier?

Emotional Intelligence explores how thoughts create feelings. Here’s a deceptively simple tool. When I’m caught in a worry cycle, I can use this flowchart as a good reminder. I can examine my situation and take action. One action is changing my thoughts --which will change my feelings.

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Listen to Your Thoughts

Our enjoyment of daily life, our ability to handle setbacks, even our physical health is profoundly impacted by our thoughts. Have you listened to your own internal self-talk lately? Does your internal voice speak in absolutes or doomsday warnings? Changing our thoughts can change our enjoyment of life and our productivity on the job.

Watch out for and alter extreme statements.
Instead of "I can't control my worry" remind yourself that "I am learning skills to conquer my worry."
"Why do I always mess up my presentations at work?" becomes "I sometimes make mistakes, but not all of the time."
The statement: "I shouldn't feel angry at Bob" becomes "It’s uncomfortable to be angry at Bob, but it's not the end of the world.”

Two Parts Optimism+One Part Pessimism=A Hard Working Worrier

Have you heard the old maxim: The best way to learn material is to teach it? One great benefit of teaching is that I constantly improve my own “soft” skills as I share basic principals and proven techniques with my classes. Recently, I had a small epiphany as I reviewed my materials for an optimism workshop.

Research by Dr. Martin Seligman has identified 3 types of thought patterns of optimists and pessimists. Optimists see failures as:
1. temporary,
2. isolated events,
3. that they can change through effort.

A pessimist sees the opposite: successes are viewed as temporary, isolated, and lucky (i.e. not related to their effort).

A pessimist sees failures or setbacks as:
1. Permanent (will never end)
2. Pervasive (always happening)
3. Unrelated to any effort exerted.

I’ve always seen myself as exceedingly optimistic. But this morning, as I practiced some of the exercises I would give my participants, I was surprised to find that only some of my thinking is optimistic.

When I lost a job several years ago, I plunged into a job search with zeal and excitement. I have always had an extremely high “locus of control,” i.e. I see my efforts as directly impacting my success. I work hard and expect good things to happen. That’s the “utilizes effort” element of optimistic thought patterns ( #3). But sometimes when things go wrong (as happened several weeks ago when someone hacked into my website), I can plunge myself into doomsday feelings of “this will never get fixed,” a negative thought pattern favored by pessimists (#1 above).

I’m happy to see that I have an optimistic viewpoint for 2 of the 3 elements Seligman describes. But while my belief in my own efforts keeps me moving forward, my fear-based thoughts (of never-ending catastrophes) often cause me harmful anxiety.

What is your unique blend of pessimism vs. optimism?
Do you see setbacks as temporary or permanent?
Do you see obstacles as isolated events or as the standard, (pervasive) state of your life?
Do you see success as a lucky break or as the result of effort?

© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The Power of our Thoughts

Look at the following list of negative thought patterns (from Dr Daniel Amen’s Change Your Brain, Change Your Life). Dr. Amen advocates killing these ANT's (automatic negative thoughts). Watch yourself today and see if you find ANTS crawling around your mind.

1.All or nothing thinking: thoughts are all good or all bad.
2.Always thinking: using words like always, never, every one, every time. --I never seem to do things right.
3.Focusing on the negative: only seeing bad in situation.
4.Fortune telling: predicting the worst possible outcome.
5.Mind reading: thinking you know what another person is thinking.
6.Thinking with feelings: believing negative feelings without questioning them.
7.Guilt beatings: should, must, ought or have to.
8.Labeling: attaching negative labels.
9.Blame: blaming someone else for your problems.

See if you can develop an internal anteater to hunt down and devour the negative thoughts that are ruining your life. What is this like for you?

Healthy vs. Neurotic Suffering

I'm in the midst of a mid-life renaissance. After years of frantic feelings, dashed dreams, and mystifying mishaps from without and within, I finally feel "in flow." This does not mean that life is easy. I struggle against my fears every day. But I sense a difference between the old struggle and this one. My previous life was filled with a "flaying around." I was constantly striving to achieve against endless obstacles. Today, I still have goals but they seem given, not chosen. When I finally surrendered my cherished dreams (to win the Pulitzer or become a famous theatre director), I was reborn to a new life, without my Ego's agendas. Suddenly, instead of throwing myself against metaphorical brick walls, new doorways opened. I felt like a teenager, suddenly awash in thrilling challenges that tested my abilities.

Before, my mind obsessively circled my fears. Today, I still suffer from fear but now, instead of constant worrying, I step into the rapids and let both fear and excitement wash over me. Instead of trying to control the waves--I'm riding them. Now, each moment both lingers and rushes past filled with millions of fresh and intoxicating ideas. I feel pulled toward a mysterious destiny that I still don't understand-- but trust more and more. I find that the great Taoist sayings are true: more gets done when we surrender and let ourselves be carried by our unique Fate.

How do you deal with worry and fear?