I'm not close with one of my sisters. This is a painful truth. I could give you theories to explain why we've grown distant but that could take days. When family (or workplace) relationships disintegrate, it takes time. Trust is lost and then more trust is lost until a canyon of suspicion separates us and obliterates bridges of empathy and understanding.
I've been getting requests for training in motivation. Many employers seem mystified-how can they get their workers to care? A complex question! And I'm reminded of my struggles with my sister. It's tempting to blame her but I know that we have both created our relationship. Workplace dynamics are equally complicated. Employers often hope for a magic wand to transform their “lazy” workers into enthusiastic employees. But, unless a disengaged worker is simply unwilling to work (rare), the employer is probably contributing to the problem. To motivate workers, employers may need to start with changing themselves. Have they taken the time to know the employee and see what intrinsically motivates him/her? Is the company creating a product or service that the employee can offer with pride? Has the employee received enough feedback and training to do his/her job? Is this employee the right person for the job?
The bad news is that recovering lost trust and interpersonal harmony is hard work. The good news is--each side has the ability to improve the frustrating situation. For my sister and I--we may achieve only a truce. But at least we know we're both responsible for our struggles. We begin with that knowledge.
Nurturing a positive workplace culture unleashes creativity and enthusiasm. Such a transformation will not be instant, but it can happen if employers seek to change not only their employees, but also themselves.© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Every Emotion has a Purpose
Every Emotion has a Purpose is a basic tenet of Emotional Intelligence. I thought of this today when I heard about a study quoted on national news:
“Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad makes people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.”
Here’s another quote:
“…research suggests that sadness … promotes information processing strategies best suited to dealing with more demanding situations.”
Good to know that my moods can provide some benefits at work!
You can read the entire article here.
“Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad makes people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.”
Here’s another quote:
“…research suggests that sadness … promotes information processing strategies best suited to dealing with more demanding situations.”
Good to know that my moods can provide some benefits at work!
You can read the entire article here.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Exploring the small triggers of daily life
One of my triggers is a desire to “fight for my rights” if I sense that I’m not supported in my work. My fight response may manifest subtly as a tenacious search for an “unavailable” library book or the dogged pursuit of information from a tight-lipped colleague. But underneath my smiling mask, I’m angry and even a bit paranoid at my treatment. Why is this book unavailable when I know interlibrary loan has hundreds of copies to share? Previously, the librarian had seemed miffed at my voracious reading habit. Are her curt responses a way to dissuade my extensive borrowing? Or am I imagining this? Just because I’m (somewhat) paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get me…..
One of the many benefits of EI is that, knowing my patterns, I can question my assumptions and try to avoid overreacting to real or imagined threats. While I mostly relate with patience and kindness to others, if I’m triggered, my distrust looms large. Suddenly simple conversations become minefields. I expect the worst and then….I get it. Instead of peaceful and pleasant exchanges, I find that others are angry and unreasonable. Why won’t they help me get what I need?
It’s remarkable to realize that even when I try to hide my fear or anger, others sense it and react. Because we are all civilized humans, our squirmishes can be extremely subtle and happen in a microsecond. We may be smiling but through tiny shifts of nonverbals and inflections, we’ll send a message covertly. The true dimensions of our fight happen outside our awareness. Then we can each feel innocent and victimized.
I’ve learned through much inner work that I can trust my intuitions. I’m not crazy. My librarian may indeed be thwarting my desires. But even if she is, my inner reactions say more about my own psyche than the outward situation. Why are my reactions to this so strong? (No one else might see it, but I know I’ve been triggered.) My book requests are important to me. They represent a chance at learning and growth and advancement. I’ve coached myself throughout this past year to not react too strongly when “Rita” seems to avoid my requests. When she wouldn’t answer my emails, I went to her office and had a pleasant visit. Another time, when she seemed upset, I brought cookies. We’ve had great chats and my book crisis seemed solved--my patience rewarded. But then I get another cryptic email and my anger and despair rush forward.
I’ll keep working on my reactions. Rita may be slow to help, or maybe I continue to misread her communications. Whatever the case, these events offer great stories for my training and a hefty opportunity to explore some “hot” wiring in my psyche. And my discomfort? A wise teacher once helped me see that my discomfort is a form of grief –in this case, grief from some past injustice. She told me that if I could simply allow myself to feel this pain, i.e. to grieve, my feelings would dissipate and lose their hold. A simple concept and so hard to do! But she was right. As I feel these difficult emotions, they pass through me and I grow stronger.
I write to remind myself of what I already know. To encourage myself to feel my grief when I want to wring Rita’s neck. It’s a small thing, a library book, but the small moments can teach us the most. Huge events can be too overwhelming. Or we rationalize and say that our extreme reactions are justified because the issue is so big.
What small events push your buttons? Is there grief hiding under your anger?
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved
One of the many benefits of EI is that, knowing my patterns, I can question my assumptions and try to avoid overreacting to real or imagined threats. While I mostly relate with patience and kindness to others, if I’m triggered, my distrust looms large. Suddenly simple conversations become minefields. I expect the worst and then….I get it. Instead of peaceful and pleasant exchanges, I find that others are angry and unreasonable. Why won’t they help me get what I need?
It’s remarkable to realize that even when I try to hide my fear or anger, others sense it and react. Because we are all civilized humans, our squirmishes can be extremely subtle and happen in a microsecond. We may be smiling but through tiny shifts of nonverbals and inflections, we’ll send a message covertly. The true dimensions of our fight happen outside our awareness. Then we can each feel innocent and victimized.
I’ve learned through much inner work that I can trust my intuitions. I’m not crazy. My librarian may indeed be thwarting my desires. But even if she is, my inner reactions say more about my own psyche than the outward situation. Why are my reactions to this so strong? (No one else might see it, but I know I’ve been triggered.) My book requests are important to me. They represent a chance at learning and growth and advancement. I’ve coached myself throughout this past year to not react too strongly when “Rita” seems to avoid my requests. When she wouldn’t answer my emails, I went to her office and had a pleasant visit. Another time, when she seemed upset, I brought cookies. We’ve had great chats and my book crisis seemed solved--my patience rewarded. But then I get another cryptic email and my anger and despair rush forward.
I’ll keep working on my reactions. Rita may be slow to help, or maybe I continue to misread her communications. Whatever the case, these events offer great stories for my training and a hefty opportunity to explore some “hot” wiring in my psyche. And my discomfort? A wise teacher once helped me see that my discomfort is a form of grief –in this case, grief from some past injustice. She told me that if I could simply allow myself to feel this pain, i.e. to grieve, my feelings would dissipate and lose their hold. A simple concept and so hard to do! But she was right. As I feel these difficult emotions, they pass through me and I grow stronger.
I write to remind myself of what I already know. To encourage myself to feel my grief when I want to wring Rita’s neck. It’s a small thing, a library book, but the small moments can teach us the most. Huge events can be too overwhelming. Or we rationalize and say that our extreme reactions are justified because the issue is so big.
What small events push your buttons? Is there grief hiding under your anger?
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved
Friday, September 11, 2009
Emotion, Learning, and Attention
Here's a helpful quote from Kagan Online Magazine about how emotions "sear" info into our brains. This explains why upsetting emotions can over-ride our ability to think clearly and focus (the amygdala hijack discussed yesterday). It also explains why traumatic events can continue to haunt us long after the upset.
Why does emotion activate our attention and memory systems? Emotion is evoked when something is either good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, painful or pleasurable. In brain lingo, emotion is a signal that something is either an opportunity or a threat. The brain is geared to pay attention to and remember opportunities and threats because that enhances our probability of survival. When there is emotion, the neurons in the brain actually fire at a higher frequency, signaling the reticular formation:"Pay Attention!" and signaling the hippocampus: "You better remember this!" Most of us remember where we were when we heard about the attack on the World Trade Center on September 11th. Why? Because the event was associated with strong emotion.
You can read the entire article here.
Why does emotion activate our attention and memory systems? Emotion is evoked when something is either good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, painful or pleasurable. In brain lingo, emotion is a signal that something is either an opportunity or a threat. The brain is geared to pay attention to and remember opportunities and threats because that enhances our probability of survival. When there is emotion, the neurons in the brain actually fire at a higher frequency, signaling the reticular formation:"Pay Attention!" and signaling the hippocampus: "You better remember this!" Most of us remember where we were when we heard about the attack on the World Trade Center on September 11th. Why? Because the event was associated with strong emotion.
You can read the entire article here.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Anger is Not the Problem
A friend recently confided that he had “acted badly” at work. He had raised his voice and snapped at his team. Now he felt ashamed.
I asked him to describe the situation.
“Greg” had repeatedly asked his logistics team to bill their trucking partners using new parameters. Time and again, Greg discovered that several of his staff were still using outdated pricing. This was unacceptable!
His anger seemed understandable to me—Greg’s directives were being ignored. Of course he felt angry. But instead of recognizing that his anger was an internal message to take action--Greg simply felt that it was “bad.” Ironically, suppressing his anger led to a bigger outburst. If he had allowed himself to simply acknowledge his mounting frustration--first to himself, and then to the others--Greg could have expressed himself with more skill.
While anger can lead to many harmful behaviors, anger itself is not the problem. If we feel ashamed of our anger (a common response) it will be even harder to navigate this emotion.
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved
I asked him to describe the situation.
“Greg” had repeatedly asked his logistics team to bill their trucking partners using new parameters. Time and again, Greg discovered that several of his staff were still using outdated pricing. This was unacceptable!
His anger seemed understandable to me—Greg’s directives were being ignored. Of course he felt angry. But instead of recognizing that his anger was an internal message to take action--Greg simply felt that it was “bad.” Ironically, suppressing his anger led to a bigger outburst. If he had allowed himself to simply acknowledge his mounting frustration--first to himself, and then to the others--Greg could have expressed himself with more skill.
While anger can lead to many harmful behaviors, anger itself is not the problem. If we feel ashamed of our anger (a common response) it will be even harder to navigate this emotion.
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Mars vs. Venus? Is There a Gender Communication Gap?
I love this quote by Deborah Tannen--expert communication researcher. What do you think she means here?
“Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball.”
“Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball.”
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Skills from the Theatre for the Workplace--Observing Nonverbals
When I moved from working in the theatre to working in an office, I was astounded by the difference in attitudes and norms. My new organization and the workplaces of my clients seemed filled with unhappiness and dysfunction. Could I use my theatre training to help transform the malaise I saw everywhere?
While my clients constantly sought to improve their competitive advantage, I was amazed to see that they often ignored the most glaring personnel challenges. Companies were spending thousands of dollars streamlining their processes through Six Sigma or Lean programs. They analyzed their shop floor data and hunted for the slightest area to refine. But the most vital data—the continuous signals coming from their staff—was often ignored.
At her desk, Jayne scowls. Her co-workers may gossip, “That’s just Jayne.” But why is she scowling? What message is Jayne sending (or trying to hide)?
In the theatre, we paid close attention to all types of communication. We recognized that each verbal or nonverbal expression was filled with important information. Our work centered on sending clear messages and decoding nonverbal signals. Why were companies ignoring these crucial skills?
At work, we disregard the scowl. We say, “It’s none of our business.” We don’t want to insult Jayne. Maybe she’s just having a bad day. Anyway, what could we say?
When we ignore nonverbals, we miss clues that reveal levels of engagement in a project or team. We miss feedback about effective or ineffective procedures. We miss developing our teams and building trust or even community.
If Ann’s anger at Marge is never resolved (or even acknowledged), it doesn’t disappear. Our emotional upsets will emerge later in team meetings, office gossip, or mysterious difficulties that spontaneously erupt. Mislaid papers, misunderstandings that lead to team confusion, and even (seemingly) outside obstacles can result from communication failures from unresolved emotions.
Why don’t we acknowledge the large emotional elephant in the cubicle? Because we don’t know what to say or do. Too many of us are afraid of emotions and convinced that there is no way to communicate safely and effectively when emotions are acknowledged.
But there are proven best practices to ensure safe, effective communication, even when emotions are powerfully in play. These techniques include “I statements,” active listening, and understanding the difference between assertive vs. aggressive dialogue.
Armed with these methods, we can courageously observe and acknowledge any anger or unhappiness in our coworkers or ourselves. Observing our emotions is the first critical step. Once acknowledged, we can decipher the message of our feelings. We can then begin to compassionately admit the emotional undercurrent (subtext) of our daily interactions. We can use this ready source of feedback to make our workplaces happier and healthier.
While my clients constantly sought to improve their competitive advantage, I was amazed to see that they often ignored the most glaring personnel challenges. Companies were spending thousands of dollars streamlining their processes through Six Sigma or Lean programs. They analyzed their shop floor data and hunted for the slightest area to refine. But the most vital data—the continuous signals coming from their staff—was often ignored.
At her desk, Jayne scowls. Her co-workers may gossip, “That’s just Jayne.” But why is she scowling? What message is Jayne sending (or trying to hide)?
In the theatre, we paid close attention to all types of communication. We recognized that each verbal or nonverbal expression was filled with important information. Our work centered on sending clear messages and decoding nonverbal signals. Why were companies ignoring these crucial skills?
At work, we disregard the scowl. We say, “It’s none of our business.” We don’t want to insult Jayne. Maybe she’s just having a bad day. Anyway, what could we say?
When we ignore nonverbals, we miss clues that reveal levels of engagement in a project or team. We miss feedback about effective or ineffective procedures. We miss developing our teams and building trust or even community.
If Ann’s anger at Marge is never resolved (or even acknowledged), it doesn’t disappear. Our emotional upsets will emerge later in team meetings, office gossip, or mysterious difficulties that spontaneously erupt. Mislaid papers, misunderstandings that lead to team confusion, and even (seemingly) outside obstacles can result from communication failures from unresolved emotions.
Why don’t we acknowledge the large emotional elephant in the cubicle? Because we don’t know what to say or do. Too many of us are afraid of emotions and convinced that there is no way to communicate safely and effectively when emotions are acknowledged.
But there are proven best practices to ensure safe, effective communication, even when emotions are powerfully in play. These techniques include “I statements,” active listening, and understanding the difference between assertive vs. aggressive dialogue.
Armed with these methods, we can courageously observe and acknowledge any anger or unhappiness in our coworkers or ourselves. Observing our emotions is the first critical step. Once acknowledged, we can decipher the message of our feelings. We can then begin to compassionately admit the emotional undercurrent (subtext) of our daily interactions. We can use this ready source of feedback to make our workplaces happier and healthier.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Fighting at work (with a smile).
I’m always amazed to hear the stories of how people subtly fight at work. Through procrastination, gossip, stonewalling, and other passive-aggressive methods, co-workers can find clever ways to obstruct progress while appearing helpful.
So much conflict can be hidden under the surface of our actions and conversations. In the theatre, this is called “subtext.”
Here are some examples of ways employees fight while smiling. Names have been changed but the scenarios are true.
1. Creating obstacles. “Tracy” is a talented office manager, but if she feels slighted, her ability to solve problems comes to a screeching halt. Suddenly, numerous intractable obstacles appear. If one is solved, another emerges. Some coworkers have called Tracy, “controlling” and they complain of her micromanaging. Others have learned to keep Tracy “in the loop” and report no problems. They have realized Tracy’s need to feel needed. While some coworkers are stuck in constant battles with Tracy’s procedures, others have found a coworker with incredible talents and a powerful work ethic.
2. Stonewalling. “Joan” feels insecure in her new supervisory position. Because of this, she confesses (to her closest friends) ongoing suspicions of her colleagues’ motives. Because Joan is convinced that most of her staff are against her, she rarely listens to their concerns. Instead, convinced that they want her to fail, she schemes to achieve her goals without her staff’s input. Tracy (see above) works for Joan. Can you imagine their battles? While friends sometimes challenge Joan to question her beliefs, their words make little impact. Joan’s fear overrides every other message.
3. Gossip. “Carla,” also works for Joan, and like Tracy, values being included in decision-making. Carla detests Joan’s autocratic style and has grown to want her boss to fail (those fulfilling Joan’s greatest nightmare). Carla gossips about Joan and has predisposed many in the organization to dislike the new supervisor.
Joan, Tracy, and Carla also have different working styles. Carla and Tracy like order, predictability, and security. Joan likes spontaneity, risk, and quick decisions. As the supervisor, Joan hasn’t taken the time to understand her staff’s need for structure. Joan is certain of her staff’s defiance, but she is unaware of how she has helped create it. Because Joan assumes the worst from Carla and Tracy, she has never tried to discover what these women need to function at their best. Instead, Joan relies on brute authority and her staff finds ways to thwart her goals.
How does fighting manifest in your workplace?
So much conflict can be hidden under the surface of our actions and conversations. In the theatre, this is called “subtext.”
Here are some examples of ways employees fight while smiling. Names have been changed but the scenarios are true.
1. Creating obstacles. “Tracy” is a talented office manager, but if she feels slighted, her ability to solve problems comes to a screeching halt. Suddenly, numerous intractable obstacles appear. If one is solved, another emerges. Some coworkers have called Tracy, “controlling” and they complain of her micromanaging. Others have learned to keep Tracy “in the loop” and report no problems. They have realized Tracy’s need to feel needed. While some coworkers are stuck in constant battles with Tracy’s procedures, others have found a coworker with incredible talents and a powerful work ethic.
2. Stonewalling. “Joan” feels insecure in her new supervisory position. Because of this, she confesses (to her closest friends) ongoing suspicions of her colleagues’ motives. Because Joan is convinced that most of her staff are against her, she rarely listens to their concerns. Instead, convinced that they want her to fail, she schemes to achieve her goals without her staff’s input. Tracy (see above) works for Joan. Can you imagine their battles? While friends sometimes challenge Joan to question her beliefs, their words make little impact. Joan’s fear overrides every other message.
3. Gossip. “Carla,” also works for Joan, and like Tracy, values being included in decision-making. Carla detests Joan’s autocratic style and has grown to want her boss to fail (those fulfilling Joan’s greatest nightmare). Carla gossips about Joan and has predisposed many in the organization to dislike the new supervisor.
Joan, Tracy, and Carla also have different working styles. Carla and Tracy like order, predictability, and security. Joan likes spontaneity, risk, and quick decisions. As the supervisor, Joan hasn’t taken the time to understand her staff’s need for structure. Joan is certain of her staff’s defiance, but she is unaware of how she has helped create it. Because Joan assumes the worst from Carla and Tracy, she has never tried to discover what these women need to function at their best. Instead, Joan relies on brute authority and her staff finds ways to thwart her goals.
How does fighting manifest in your workplace?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Checklist for an Emotional Hijacking
My favorite part of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence, is Appendix B that outlines the “Hallmarks of an Emotional Mind.” If you’ve had a reaction and wonder if your emotions have “hijacked” you, look to see if your reactions fit this list:
1. A quick but sloppy response: an accurate perception is sacrificed for speed. Speed is what makes our emotions so helpful at protecting us from danger, and so harmful (when the danger is imagined).
2. Feelings come first: then we realize what happened. Our feelings seem to happen to us. We can practice ways of intervening but strong feelings have biological pathways that will always precede thought.
3. Our emotions often have a childlike logic and can contain symbolic meanings. This is why it is impossible to argue with someone "possessed" by an emotion. It is also why deciphering the meaning of an emotion can be so difficult.
4. Strong feelings are often a reaction to past events-- not present realities. Taking time to understand these emotions can help us identify the unconscious thoughts (from the past) that are still driving our behavior (and reactions).
5. Our perception of reality is based on the emotion we are feeling. Even our memories can shift as we seek "proof" and "justification" for our reactions. Even though we may be very wrong in our assessments, strong feelings can leave us convince of their accuracy.
How would you describe the experience of being overtaken by an emotion?
1. A quick but sloppy response: an accurate perception is sacrificed for speed. Speed is what makes our emotions so helpful at protecting us from danger, and so harmful (when the danger is imagined).
2. Feelings come first: then we realize what happened. Our feelings seem to happen to us. We can practice ways of intervening but strong feelings have biological pathways that will always precede thought.
3. Our emotions often have a childlike logic and can contain symbolic meanings. This is why it is impossible to argue with someone "possessed" by an emotion. It is also why deciphering the meaning of an emotion can be so difficult.
4. Strong feelings are often a reaction to past events-- not present realities. Taking time to understand these emotions can help us identify the unconscious thoughts (from the past) that are still driving our behavior (and reactions).
5. Our perception of reality is based on the emotion we are feeling. Even our memories can shift as we seek "proof" and "justification" for our reactions. Even though we may be very wrong in our assessments, strong feelings can leave us convince of their accuracy.
How would you describe the experience of being overtaken by an emotion?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Small Emotions of Everyday Life
Nancy confided to me of a difficult relationship at work. She said she had been friendly to “Bill” when he first arrived, but his sour expressions angered her. He never acknowledged her presence and Nancy had had enough. She was now offering Bill an angry expression in return. She would show him.
“I’m not willing to be nice to him anymore,” she said. “He’ll just be a jerk and I don’t want to put myself out for that.”
Yet, at the same time, Nancy hated carrying a grudge and a severe look. She was usually a very happy person.
Emotional Intelligence doesn’t expect us to be saintly and there are probably times when we need to protect ourselves from another’s aggression or moods. But Nancy felt stuck in a distressing pattern. We gently began to examine her thoughts about Bill.
“I’m not sure why he hates me so much—“
“He hates you?”
“Well, not hate. He couldn’t hate me, he doesn’t even know me. But he clearly doesn’t like me. He’s friendly to other people.”
“Who?”
“People in his own department. I’m in another department.”
“Could there be another reason why he isn’t friendly to you?”
Nancy thought for a moment. “He could be shy.”
“That might explain why he’s friendly with people in his own department.”
“I guess. I’m not sure. I only know that he’s very unfriendly to me and I hate it.”
“You take it personally.”
“Yes.”
“So it could be that he doesn’t like you personally. Or it could be that he’s shy. Any other reason he might not be friendly to you?
Nancy couldn’t think of anything.
“Maybe he thinks you don’t like him?”
“I tried to be nice to him. I introduced myself. But he’s been nothing but rude to me.”
Nancy's nonverbals made her feelings clear. “You don’t like him….”
“No. I don’t.”
“Maybe he’s picked that up?”
“Maybe.”
We let the subject go and talked about other matters, then gradually drifted back to Bill and the subject of “emotional contagion.” I told Nancy about The Tipping Point, a wonderful book offering stories that illustrated emotional contagion—the way our emotions can “infect’ others. Some of us are more sensitive and pick up others’ moods rapidly. Maybe Bill and Nancy were feeding off each other’s negative energy. Nancy listened to some sections of the book. It made sense to her. Looking lighter, Nancy decided to cut Bill some slack—maybe he was doing the best he could under the circumstances. She didn’t want to help spread destructive emotions at work. She wanted to make her workplace, and the world in general, more positive. She would start with her own emotional messages.
I saw a shift in Nancy as we talked. She was no longer stuck on wanting “justice,” or even doing the “nice” action. She was able to move beyond her struggles with Bill when she saw a bigger picture: her small but important contribution to the world.
What idea has worked for you? How did a simple phrase, word, or concept help you shift into a new way of thinking?
“I’m not willing to be nice to him anymore,” she said. “He’ll just be a jerk and I don’t want to put myself out for that.”
Yet, at the same time, Nancy hated carrying a grudge and a severe look. She was usually a very happy person.
Emotional Intelligence doesn’t expect us to be saintly and there are probably times when we need to protect ourselves from another’s aggression or moods. But Nancy felt stuck in a distressing pattern. We gently began to examine her thoughts about Bill.
“I’m not sure why he hates me so much—“
“He hates you?”
“Well, not hate. He couldn’t hate me, he doesn’t even know me. But he clearly doesn’t like me. He’s friendly to other people.”
“Who?”
“People in his own department. I’m in another department.”
“Could there be another reason why he isn’t friendly to you?”
Nancy thought for a moment. “He could be shy.”
“That might explain why he’s friendly with people in his own department.”
“I guess. I’m not sure. I only know that he’s very unfriendly to me and I hate it.”
“You take it personally.”
“Yes.”
“So it could be that he doesn’t like you personally. Or it could be that he’s shy. Any other reason he might not be friendly to you?
Nancy couldn’t think of anything.
“Maybe he thinks you don’t like him?”
“I tried to be nice to him. I introduced myself. But he’s been nothing but rude to me.”
Nancy's nonverbals made her feelings clear. “You don’t like him….”
“No. I don’t.”
“Maybe he’s picked that up?”
“Maybe.”
We let the subject go and talked about other matters, then gradually drifted back to Bill and the subject of “emotional contagion.” I told Nancy about The Tipping Point, a wonderful book offering stories that illustrated emotional contagion—the way our emotions can “infect’ others. Some of us are more sensitive and pick up others’ moods rapidly. Maybe Bill and Nancy were feeding off each other’s negative energy. Nancy listened to some sections of the book. It made sense to her. Looking lighter, Nancy decided to cut Bill some slack—maybe he was doing the best he could under the circumstances. She didn’t want to help spread destructive emotions at work. She wanted to make her workplace, and the world in general, more positive. She would start with her own emotional messages.
I saw a shift in Nancy as we talked. She was no longer stuck on wanting “justice,” or even doing the “nice” action. She was able to move beyond her struggles with Bill when she saw a bigger picture: her small but important contribution to the world.
What idea has worked for you? How did a simple phrase, word, or concept help you shift into a new way of thinking?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What Are You Feeling Today?
Can you name the eight basic emotions?
If you’re working in EI, this is a gimme question. If not, this may be tougher. Try to name them now. I’ll list them at the bottom of the post.
It’s very common for all of us to avoid naming our feelings (too vulnerable) and talk around them instead.
In the course of a somewhat difficult conversation, my cousin recently said to me, “I want to tell you what I am feeling.” (She knows I like that.) “What?” I asked.
“I’m feeling that you’ve changed a lot,” she said. “That’s what I’m feeling.” I didn’t want to correct her. But she hasn’t gotten to her feelings yet. Is she angry at my change, or sad? Or was she fearful? She keeps circling and circling around the same idea: “You’ve changed a lot, you never used to be like this. I can’t get used to your changes. You’ve changed a lot haven’t you?”
Maybe. I guess I’ve changed. We all do. But why is she repeating and repeating this? Her obsessing about this isn’t a feeling. It masks her feeling. What is Mary feeling? My guess, based on other conversations and her nonverbals, is that Mary feels guilty. If I’m right, her deeper thoughts could be something like: “What if I’ve been treating you one way and you’ve actually been different than I thought? What if I misread you all along? Have our fights come from these misunderstandings?”
Feelings are often very difficult to decode (see previous post). But if we can uncover our underlying feelings (one of the basic eight), this self-knowledge can lead us to helpful and healthy actions.
Can you name the basic eight? They are universal:
anger, sadness, fear, joy, trust, disgust, anticipation, or surprise.
What are you feeling today?
If you’re working in EI, this is a gimme question. If not, this may be tougher. Try to name them now. I’ll list them at the bottom of the post.
It’s very common for all of us to avoid naming our feelings (too vulnerable) and talk around them instead.
In the course of a somewhat difficult conversation, my cousin recently said to me, “I want to tell you what I am feeling.” (She knows I like that.) “What?” I asked.
“I’m feeling that you’ve changed a lot,” she said. “That’s what I’m feeling.” I didn’t want to correct her. But she hasn’t gotten to her feelings yet. Is she angry at my change, or sad? Or was she fearful? She keeps circling and circling around the same idea: “You’ve changed a lot, you never used to be like this. I can’t get used to your changes. You’ve changed a lot haven’t you?”
Maybe. I guess I’ve changed. We all do. But why is she repeating and repeating this? Her obsessing about this isn’t a feeling. It masks her feeling. What is Mary feeling? My guess, based on other conversations and her nonverbals, is that Mary feels guilty. If I’m right, her deeper thoughts could be something like: “What if I’ve been treating you one way and you’ve actually been different than I thought? What if I misread you all along? Have our fights come from these misunderstandings?”
Feelings are often very difficult to decode (see previous post). But if we can uncover our underlying feelings (one of the basic eight), this self-knowledge can lead us to helpful and healthy actions.
Can you name the basic eight? They are universal:
anger, sadness, fear, joy, trust, disgust, anticipation, or surprise.
What are you feeling today?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Waking Up
In a recent post, I wrote of the delay between the beginning of a feeling or thought and our conscious awareness of it. Ironically, I was about to have that “realization-emerges-from-the-darkness” experience myself.
I was in a foul mood last week. Unfortunately, my hubby Rick was also in a bad mood. This led to some testy moments. As the evening wore on, we both retreated with a journal and began to write (one more connection with last week’s post). We both began tracking back through our day, trying to determine what triggered us. I knew I was upset with my cousin. But why? I didn't know. My anger was hot but I couldn't tell you the why of it. Finally, unable to determine a trigger, I thought, “We just don't get along, that's that.” I let my anger cool and had a satisfying end of the evening with Rick.
The next morning, while walking Sophie (my “aha” moments usually happen when I'm walking or taking a shower), I “suddenly” realized that I was angry about an email from my cousin. My message to him expressed some sadness and he had responded with several jokes. Click. That was it! The insight snapped into place. I had felt ridiculed. Now, what to do about it?
But first, a few other thoughts. Without this insight, I had no responsible course of action. I was angry--but why? Without a why, I could only be angry. Second, in the paragraph above, I put suddenly in quotes because I wanted to show that another part of me had known all along. Only the “I” of me, my ego-self, was out of the loop and suddenly understood. The rest of me already knew--and was reacting.
Now, what to do. My choices: do nothing or say something. I decided to let my cousin know that I had been expressing sadness in the email (maybe he didn't know this) and I wasn't happy with his response. This was, at least, the beginning of our dialogue. I still felt a lack of trust between us (based on our history) but I could at least share my perceptions with him. He could examine his reactions (or not). A true reconciliation could develop (or not). In this moment, I’m simply grateful I realized the message of my feelings.
I was in a foul mood last week. Unfortunately, my hubby Rick was also in a bad mood. This led to some testy moments. As the evening wore on, we both retreated with a journal and began to write (one more connection with last week’s post). We both began tracking back through our day, trying to determine what triggered us. I knew I was upset with my cousin. But why? I didn't know. My anger was hot but I couldn't tell you the why of it. Finally, unable to determine a trigger, I thought, “We just don't get along, that's that.” I let my anger cool and had a satisfying end of the evening with Rick.
The next morning, while walking Sophie (my “aha” moments usually happen when I'm walking or taking a shower), I “suddenly” realized that I was angry about an email from my cousin. My message to him expressed some sadness and he had responded with several jokes. Click. That was it! The insight snapped into place. I had felt ridiculed. Now, what to do about it?
But first, a few other thoughts. Without this insight, I had no responsible course of action. I was angry--but why? Without a why, I could only be angry. Second, in the paragraph above, I put suddenly in quotes because I wanted to show that another part of me had known all along. Only the “I” of me, my ego-self, was out of the loop and suddenly understood. The rest of me already knew--and was reacting.
Now, what to do. My choices: do nothing or say something. I decided to let my cousin know that I had been expressing sadness in the email (maybe he didn't know this) and I wasn't happy with his response. This was, at least, the beginning of our dialogue. I still felt a lack of trust between us (based on our history) but I could at least share my perceptions with him. He could examine his reactions (or not). A true reconciliation could develop (or not). In this moment, I’m simply grateful I realized the message of my feelings.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Research Says--Some Anger Good for You.
I’ve been writing about anger lately and was sent a terrific article on the subject. Confirmed my bias. Would I post it if it didn’t? Subtitled—“Repressing emotions leads to unhappiness, says Harvard psychologist,” you can read the entire article here.
The article says that while uncontrolled anger is never beneficial (for the giver or receiver), balanced expressions of anger can strengthen relationships, provide focus, and keep us healthier.
To live healthy, honest lives, we must find ways to acknowledge (even honor) all parts of ourselves.
The article says that while uncontrolled anger is never beneficial (for the giver or receiver), balanced expressions of anger can strengthen relationships, provide focus, and keep us healthier.
To live healthy, honest lives, we must find ways to acknowledge (even honor) all parts of ourselves.
Friday, February 27, 2009
More Thoughts on Anger
In my previous post, I asserted the importance of acknowledging anger as vital to our health and central to self-knowledge (emotional literacy). But it is complicated. How do I honor my anger but still create more compassion in myself and in the world? Until recently, these felt like mutually exclusive mindsets. I'm only now beginning to reconcile my internal split--between the positives and negatives of my Midwestern upbringing. I'm relearning a spirituality without succumbing to a little-girl piety. My piousness may have looked good to my neighbors but it also repressed and distorted my true spirit.
With time, I gain more perspective on the pendulum swings of my inner journey. If I was the overly sweet girl who lacked basic self-knowledge and assertiveness, I grew into a tough woman who lost track of the tenderness in myself (for more on this, see my recent review of the movie “Wall-e). I see this same split or swing in others. The challenge is to both allow anger while not becoming overwhelmed or obsessed by it. An Olympian task! Still, to live fulfilling lives where we nurture ourselves and others, we must learn to walk this razor-edge.
With time, I gain more perspective on the pendulum swings of my inner journey. If I was the overly sweet girl who lacked basic self-knowledge and assertiveness, I grew into a tough woman who lost track of the tenderness in myself (for more on this, see my recent review of the movie “Wall-e). I see this same split or swing in others. The challenge is to both allow anger while not becoming overwhelmed or obsessed by it. An Olympian task! Still, to live fulfilling lives where we nurture ourselves and others, we must learn to walk this razor-edge.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Anger-The Unwanted Emotion
While I’ve never lived in another country, I have lived for long periods in the Midwest and California. As I moved from one region to another, I felt a seismic shift between two cultures that seemed radically different in their approach to emotions. Were my encounters atypical? Perhaps. Still, as I contemplate my 20-year study of the “inner life,” I’m fascinated by the differences I found—especially regarding anger.
At 26, I left the Midwest (and the Catholic Church) and moved to California. I began a 10-year odyssey, exploring theatre arts, psychology, and “consciousness studies” in Berkeley, San Francisco, and other mind-bending communities. I was surrounded by groups who explored their emotions without dodging the great taboo—anger. With talented professionals and earnest friends, I intrepidly began to explore my own inner minefield--sore spots, wounds, (complexes for the Freudian/Jungians out there) and springs of anger.
When I returned to the Midwest I, felt immediately disoriented. My family and friends seemed to have a radically different set of norms. While I had painstakingly learned to identify my feelings and gently admit them to others—now even the slightest acknowledgement of anger seemed to threaten my companions. All my hard-won inner knowledge and commitment to honest communication was suddenly destroying a fragile emotional ecosystem I no longer understood (or appreciated).
I’ve been back in the Midwest for 12 years now, longer than the time I spent in exotic California. I continue to explore my own inner landscape and the taboo of anger. In my workshops, it seems to be the emotion that most haunts my participants, especially the women. When I discovered the field of emotional intelligence, I was grateful for its validation of my own beliefs—that anger was a necessary emotion that should be examined, not repressed.
Have you experienced cultural differences regarding comfort with different emotions?
At 26, I left the Midwest (and the Catholic Church) and moved to California. I began a 10-year odyssey, exploring theatre arts, psychology, and “consciousness studies” in Berkeley, San Francisco, and other mind-bending communities. I was surrounded by groups who explored their emotions without dodging the great taboo—anger. With talented professionals and earnest friends, I intrepidly began to explore my own inner minefield--sore spots, wounds, (complexes for the Freudian/Jungians out there) and springs of anger.
When I returned to the Midwest I, felt immediately disoriented. My family and friends seemed to have a radically different set of norms. While I had painstakingly learned to identify my feelings and gently admit them to others—now even the slightest acknowledgement of anger seemed to threaten my companions. All my hard-won inner knowledge and commitment to honest communication was suddenly destroying a fragile emotional ecosystem I no longer understood (or appreciated).
I’ve been back in the Midwest for 12 years now, longer than the time I spent in exotic California. I continue to explore my own inner landscape and the taboo of anger. In my workshops, it seems to be the emotion that most haunts my participants, especially the women. When I discovered the field of emotional intelligence, I was grateful for its validation of my own beliefs—that anger was a necessary emotion that should be examined, not repressed.
Have you experienced cultural differences regarding comfort with different emotions?
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