How do I model accountability for my team?

• Use accountable language instead of victim language.
• When you make a mistake or you contribute to a project that doesn’t achieve desired results, share what you could have done differently, and how you will use the experience to improve future results.
• Share gravity issues (those issues over which you have no control, such as budgets) with your team, and talk about how you can work within those constraints.
• Take accountability for the results of your team.
• Incorporate these principles into performance evaluations and recognition programs to demonstrate their importance.
Adapted from Ohio State program

The Importance of Cohesive Teams –a fable adapted from Aesop

A father had sons who constantly quarreled. This caused him great distress. He ordered them to bring him a bundle of sticks, and said to his eldest son: "Break this."
The son strained and strained, but with all his efforts was unable to break the bundle. The other sons also tried, but none succeeded.
"Untie the bundle," said the father, "and each of you take a stick." When they had done so, he told them: "Now, break," and each stick was easily broken.
“Your constant fighting makes you weak and vulnerable to your opponents,” he said, "be united and gain strength.” © 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The Secret of Successful Communicating: Emotional Awareness.

I keep noticing that the success of my daily interactions depends on my own clarity and inner honesty. If I'm upset or scared, this will come through in my nonverbals, no matter how hard I try to avoid this.

Here are two recent examples. A new roommate moved into my office space. Some of her coworkers started to visit and talk loudly in our tiny shared office as I tried to work. What to do? At home, I rehearsed carefully worded “I” statements. It was my problem; I was the one who found it difficult to work with nearby conversations. Still, I worried that my coworkers would be angry if I made any requests regarding sound.

As I sat with the issue, I realized that the context of this interaction was also key. I had barely given my roommate a chance to settle in and I was ready to ask for more quiet. As I explored my feelings, I realized that my intuition (that the conversation could be unproductive) was warning me.

No matter how perfectly I communicated with my coworkers, I doubt it would have gone well because of the fear and anger hidden in my own psyche. After examining my feelings, I began to see that it was my inner-pessimist that was afraid and upset (“My quiet workplace-ruined forever!”). Once I admitted these deeper feelings, I recognized that my desire to jump in quickly with “assertive” communication was really an unconscious desire to control the new situation. If I tried to talk with my coworkers without understanding these feelings, they would come through. My colleagues would probably sense my fears and anger.

Emotional awareness is vital in these everyday dilemmas. If I am conscious enough of my feelings, I can admit them (“I'm feeling afraid that my quiet workplace…”). This “I” statement is more likely to work, since I'm “owning” my feelings and not unconsciously “throwing” them at my colleagues. Without emotional awareness, I'd be unable to do this. My coworkers would be right to be offended: I would have acted on my feelings without even knowing if they were justified.

After discovering my deeper reactions, I immediately felt better. I also knew that any conversation would now be much more successful. My willingness to handle the uncertainty of the situation took the pressure off myself (and my co-workers).

Postscript: within a short time, I adjusted to my terrific, new officemate. If my work required extra quiet, I used a pair of earplugs.

Another example:
My husband and I enjoy traveling and spending time with my parents. But when they recently talked about joining us on a cruise together, I felt strangely uncomfortable. Why? As I quizzed myself, I realized I was worried about my father's fragile health. Was he really able to handle a cruise? What if something happened to him while in my care? I was worried about my Dad but also forced to admit my more selfish concerns. Would our dream vacation become mired in taking care of a sick parent?

I didn't like seeing my own selfishness, but it was important to acknowledge. I could then make a choice. I wanted a carefree vacation but I also love my parents. I knew I'd be happy to support their choice in joining us on a cruise.

Unlike my earlier example, in this case I concluded that I needed to share my concerns with my mother. Was this really a good trip for Dad? My new clarity meant that our conversation wouldn't be confused by my own inner contradictions. Before my awareness, my concerns may have merged with my more selfish fears. Now I knew my own inner truth: I was concerned and also ready to support their voyage, if they chose to go.

The only way for me to act with integrity is if I know the deepest dimensions of my reactions. Armed with this knowledge, I have the best chance of not sending a mixed message to others. Mixed messages cause stress for the receiving party. This is why a mixed message (I am trying hard not to be angry with you but am actually very angry with you) often results in conflict.

I first must communicate with myself before I can communicate with another.

© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The Power of Play at Work

Imagine. Fun at work and higher productivity!

Dismantling our Habits

Ace was a better tennis player than his sister Sophie. He usually won their bi-weekly games. Then Sophie decided to take some lessons. She had taught herself to play and now she really wanted to improve her game. Her instructor required Sophie to take apart her swing, and her abilities deteriorated. Ace teased his sister mercilessly but she persevered. Week after week, Ace demolished her in the court. Then slowly Sophie's game improved. Soon she was back to her former ability and then, rapidly, she became much more skilled than her brother. Sophie's technique was consistent. Her serve was impossible to return. She played with less effort but more accuracy. Ace was forced to run the court from side to side since Sophie knew how to place the ball just out of his reach. Ace could no longer compete with her.

To improve our skills in any endeavor, we often have to sacrifice our old habits and familiar outcomes. We may be more prone to mistakes at first, but if we are willing to question and dismantle our attitudes, beliefs, and knowledge, we can develop abilities that are even more advanced.

The Small Emotions of Everyday Life

Nancy confided to me of a difficult relationship at work. She said she had been friendly to “Bill” when he first arrived, but his sour expressions angered her. He never acknowledged her presence and Nancy had had enough. She was now offering Bill an angry expression in return. She would show him.

“I’m not willing to be nice to him anymore,” she said. “He’ll just be a jerk and I don’t want to put myself out for that.”

Yet, at the same time, Nancy hated carrying a grudge and a severe look. She was usually a very happy person.

Emotional Intelligence doesn’t expect us to be saintly and there are probably times when we need to protect ourselves from another’s aggression or moods. But Nancy felt stuck in a distressing pattern. We gently began to examine her thoughts about Bill.

“I’m not sure why he hates me so much—“
“He hates you?”
“Well, not hate. He couldn’t hate me, he doesn’t even know me. But he clearly doesn’t like me. He’s friendly to other people.”
“Who?”
“People in his own department. I’m in another department.”
“Could there be another reason why he isn’t friendly to you?”

Nancy thought for a moment. “He could be shy.”
“That might explain why he’s friendly with people in his own department.”
“I guess. I’m not sure. I only know that he’s very unfriendly to me and I hate it.”
“You take it personally.”
“Yes.”
“So it could be that he doesn’t like you personally. Or it could be that he’s shy. Any other reason he might not be friendly to you?

Nancy couldn’t think of anything.

“Maybe he thinks you don’t like him?”
“I tried to be nice to him. I introduced myself. But he’s been nothing but rude to me.”

Nancy's nonverbals made her feelings clear. “You don’t like him….”
“No. I don’t.”
“Maybe he’s picked that up?”
“Maybe.”

We let the subject go and talked about other matters, then gradually drifted back to Bill and the subject of “emotional contagion.” I told Nancy about The Tipping Point, a wonderful book offering stories that illustrated emotional contagion—the way our emotions can “infect’ others. Some of us are more sensitive and pick up others’ moods rapidly. Maybe Bill and Nancy were feeding off each other’s negative energy. Nancy listened to some sections of the book. It made sense to her. Looking lighter, Nancy decided to cut Bill some slack—maybe he was doing the best he could under the circumstances. She didn’t want to help spread destructive emotions at work. She wanted to make her workplace, and the world in general, more positive. She would start with her own emotional messages.

I saw a shift in Nancy as we talked. She was no longer stuck on wanting “justice,” or even doing the “nice” action. She was able to move beyond her struggles with Bill when she saw a bigger picture: her small but important contribution to the world.

What idea has worked for you? How did a simple phrase, word, or concept help you shift into a new way of thinking?

How to Kill Motivation

"For months, an old man endured the insults of a group of boys as they ran across his yard. One afternoon, after listening to another round of jeers, the man came up with a plan. He met the children on his lawn and announced that anyone who came back the next day and yelled rude comments about him would receive a dollar. Amazed and excited, they showed up even earlier on Tuesday, hollering insults with enthusiasm. The old man came out and paid everyone saying, "Do the same tomorrow and I'll pay you twenty-five cents." The kids thought that was still pretty good and came out on Wednesday to taunt him. At the first catcall, the man again paid his hecklers. "From now on," he announced, "I can give you only a penny for doing this.’" The kids looked at each other in disbelief. "A penny?" they repeated scornfully. "Forget it!" And they never came back again."

(from Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards - The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes, 1993, Houghton Mifflin, pg. 71-72)