Tips for Active Listening - Sideroad Expert Interviews

How often do you feel really listened to? How often do you really listen to someone else? Listening with focused attention can transform relationships and circumstances. Here's an article on my favorite type of listening--active listening.If someone is upset with you, instead of arguing or fighting back, try to paraphrase their message. If you are accurate, watch their volume and anger sudden soften. Active listening is a powerful conflict resolution tool.

Tips for Active Listening - Sideroad Expert Interviews

Does Passion Make us Crazy?

In so many areas of my life, I am the steady ship. No matter how stormy the seas, I plot my course with confidence and ride through the rough waters with skill. But in the arena that mattered most to me—the theatre—I was rudderless. Was it because I loved it so much? Does passion make us crazy?

I’ve seen it in work colleagues. When “Jamie” deeply cares about a project, she lashes out. She’s often angry at her staff for their lack of effort or concern about details. She tries to hide her anger but we all perceive it. Even Jamie’s most restrained communications are often underscored by her panic and resentment.

I can relate. When producing live theatre I was often upset with others. I concluded that my intense devotion was the problem. If only I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t become so zealous and emotional. But it was impossible to turn off my enthusiasm or the strong feelings that came with it. Did my theatre colleagues see my fervor for the art or just a tyrant? (Probably both.)

The strength of my emotions overwhelmed and continually surprised me. I was “hijacked” by them. But now I see that they weren’t the problem. I didn’t need to deny or repress them; I needed to communicate them more skillfully. If only I had admitted my fears and asked for support. A vulnerable move. But even if I didn’t get what I wanted, the act of clarifying my emotions would have stopped them from intensifying and becoming destructive. Emotional Intelligence techniques can help me in this work.

I now know that the sooner I can identify and share my feelings, the sooner I can manage and even utilize them. If I accept my fear and anger (instead of projecting them onto another person), I can transform their power. I can use this energy in my work, instead of letting unconscious emotions dismantle and destroy what I most cherish.

What are your experiences of passion and your emotions?

How to Kill Motivation

"For months, an old man endured the insults of a group of boys as they ran across his yard. One afternoon, after listening to another round of jeers, the man came up with a plan. He met the children on his lawn and announced that anyone who came back the next day and yelled rude comments about him would receive a dollar. Amazed and excited, they showed up even earlier on Tuesday, hollering insults with enthusiasm. The old man came out and paid everyone saying, "Do the same tomorrow and I'll pay you twenty-five cents." The kids thought that was still pretty good and came out on Wednesday to taunt him. At the first catcall, the man again paid his hecklers. "From now on," he announced, "I can give you only a penny for doing this.’" The kids looked at each other in disbelief. "A penny?" they repeated scornfully. "Forget it!" And they never came back again."

(from Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards - The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes, 1993, Houghton Mifflin, pg. 71-72)

Time to break-up with your career?

Have you ever courageously stepped off the rutted path to leave a career that was bad for you? How many years were you trapped--like the hero in a labyrinth, or damsel chained in the dungeon?

It is hard to give up, cut losses and move on, especially if we've given time, money and effort. How many of us stay in careers and relationships for years (or lifetimes) because it is excruciating to abandon that investment.

But a promised land awaits us when we take that risk.

Three years ago, at the age of 46, I had enough. After 25 years of pursuit, I was ready to walk away from my demanding Mistress Theatre. She had taken too much of my time, money, and life's direction. But walking away, while providing a deep sense of relief, also left me psychologically mangled. While I was in pursuit of fame and fortune, I could still “succeed.” Perhaps that's why, instead of surrendering my dreams, I stayed entrenched in them and merely shifted my approach. I morphed from actress, to director, to teacher/producer, to playwright. I justified each correction with the thought that previous roles were simply preparing me for my breakthrough. When I finally surrendered my ambitions to an intractable reality, I was haunted. Had I wasted my youth on a failed delusion?

I had received some decent reviews and awards. I'd known many artists who lived off such validation for decades. Not me. My quest, from the beginning, was to make sufficient money or enough recognition to escape the stigma of “dilettante.” Unlike others, I couldn’t simply enjoy theatre as a hobby. Performing in a play was playful only in high school. When I entered college on a performance scholarship, the joy of theatre vanished into a stew of envy, competitiveness, and insecurity.

Sorry. That last sentence? Not entirely true. The hyperbole illustrates my practiced work-habit: to find the dramatic in all events.

I do acknowledge the good that Theatre brought me: a trained and powerful voice, physical agility, a youthful imagination, and curiosity. I will not have to wonder “what if?” I am grateful for my adventures and for the unconventional life I've led.

But now walking away is the right decision. I've found a new, more fruitful path. I no longer feel trapped or stuck in unhealthy patterns. Instead of a constant struggle, I am amazed by the exciting opportunities that now flow toward me.

How does one start over again? How does one recover from the wreckage of a life plan? (Oo, there's that juicy melodrama again. “Wreckage of a life plan.” Nice concept for a one-act.)

Life will always offer heartaches but will our setbacks cause us to expand or contract? If you feel stuck, the question is: are you ready to take a risk and start again?

What have you learned from your career mistakes?

Story of the "Cracked Pot."

I heard this lovely story over the weekend. It is a wonderful reminder that our flaws are often the source of our greatest gifts. If we can be honest with ourselves and accept our less than perfect traits, we may also come to realize that even our shortcomings can lead to beauty and distinction.

A water-bearer carries two large pots on a yoke across his shoulders up the hill from the river to his master's house each day. One has a crack and leaks half its water out each day before arriving at the house. The other pot is perfect and always delivers a full portion of water after the long walk from the river.

Finally, after years of arriving half-empty and feeling guilty, the cracked pot apologizes to the water-bearer. He is miserable and says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't accomplish what the perfect pot did."

The water-bearer says, "Why are you apologizing?"

"After all this time, I still only deliver half my load of water. I make more work for you because of my flaw."

The man smiled and told the pot. "Take note of all the lovely flowers growing on the side of the path where I carried you. The flowers grew so lovely because of the water you leaked. There are no flowers on the perfect pot's side."

Chicago Tribune Confirms my Bias--Silence heals.

Maybe you'll want to experiment with silent days too? Here's the Trib article. I'd love to hear your experiences too.

Letter to "Dear Amy"

I actually sent this letter into the paper today. I was dissatisfied with Amy’s response to the second letter of Friday’s column in the Chicago Tribune .

Dear Amy,
I have two thoughts regarding the woman who fought with her mother-in-law re: a “smash cake” for her son's first birthday party. First, “letting the whole thing go” misses a very important chance to forge a stronger, more emotionally intimate relationship. While there is no guarantee that a sincere talk will go well; not talking is usually worse.

Second, our feelings exist to give us helpful info. The writer shares that she is “not sure how (her m-i-l) will react” in future situations. This is a legitimate reaction that should not be brushed aside.

While conversations involving strong feelings are scary and difficult, the rewards are great. Not talking about previous hurts only sets the stage for further hurt. It is best to discuss conflicts early. As time passes, it will only be more difficult to bring up past issues. One of the most important gifts we can offer each other is to practice good communication skills (“active listening” and using “I statements” are key tools) so we can truly know each other. As we reveal our quirks and vulnerabilities, we can learn to truly love each other.

Millions of Voices

twitter

Frenetic freelancers clamoring to be heard above the collective din.  Twittering, blogging, texting.  How can I stand out?  I feel lost in a stampede of fantastic articles telling me how to market my training.  Where to focus?  Learn to do internal and external links on my blog? Write press releases?  Read training materials, do direct mail, or visit my Linkedin groups?

I’ve arrived too late to this party.  How can I ever catch up?    

The volume of brilliant voices thrills and overwhelms me.  So much talent in the world!  Where do I fit in?

Maturity is recognizing my limits.  If I do good work, the rest should take care of itself, yes?

The question that keeps me sane and focused is:  how can I best serve others?

 How do you stay grounded in today's frenzied world?

 

 

Waking Up

In a recent post, I wrote of the delay between the beginning of a feeling or thought and our conscious awareness of it. Ironically, I was about to have that “realization-emerges-from-the-darkness” experience myself.

I was in a foul mood last week. Unfortunately, my hubby Rick was also in a bad mood. This led to some testy moments. As the evening wore on, we both retreated with a journal and began to write (one more connection with last week’s post). We both began tracking back through our day, trying to determine what triggered us. I knew I was upset with my cousin. But why? I didn't know. My anger was hot but I couldn't tell you the why of it. Finally, unable to determine a trigger, I thought, “We just don't get along, that's that.” I let my anger cool and had a satisfying end of the evening with Rick.

The next morning, while walking Sophie (my “aha” moments usually happen when I'm walking or taking a shower), I “suddenly” realized that I was angry about an email from my cousin. My message to him expressed some sadness and he had responded with several jokes. Click. That was it! The insight snapped into place. I had felt ridiculed. Now, what to do about it?

But first, a few other thoughts. Without this insight, I had no responsible course of action. I was angry--but why? Without a why, I could only be angry. Second, in the paragraph above, I put suddenly in quotes because I wanted to show that another part of me had known all along. Only the “I” of me, my ego-self, was out of the loop and suddenly understood. The rest of me already knew--and was reacting.

Now, what to do. My choices: do nothing or say something. I decided to let my cousin know that I had been expressing sadness in the email (maybe he didn't know this) and I wasn't happy with his response. This was, at least, the beginning of our dialogue. I still felt a lack of trust between us (based on our history) but I could at least share my perceptions with him. He could examine his reactions (or not). A true reconciliation could develop (or not). In this moment, I’m simply grateful I realized the message of my feelings.

The Power of Silence

Rick and I have given up television—again. The house is once again, blissfully silent. I feel calmer and, even though I rarely sat and watched programs, I seem to have much more time now. Even as background sound the noisy box was grabbing my attention-- just enough to slow me down.

We’re not abstaining completely. We’ve learned, from previous idealism, what’s practical and what won’t fly. We’ll watch the news, and an occasional sporting event. Netflix videos are fair game. But we’ve gone back to a mostly tv-free peacefulness. I used to think that I was making the most of my time. Instead of simply folding laundry in silence, I was learning too. News or cooking programs were adding value to my life. Was it the multitasking or simply the never-ending sound that exhausted me?

I know we’ll be tempted. At the end of a long hard day at work, we’ve loved vegging out with “Law and Order.” But, just like overindulging in deep dish pizza or scotch, too much tv doesn’t feel good. I know from experience, if I fight the urge, I’ll read more or just sit and relax in silence. Without fail, when I sit in silence for any length of time, I’ll have that “aha” moment—an invaluable insight from a deeper part of myself.

I think we’ll succeed this time, not because our willpower is greater (that never works), but because we’ve learned (through trial and error) how much tv is food and how much is poison. Like learning to love exercise or salads, we have learned to crave the silence in our home. It revitalizes and restores us.

What is your experience of television?

Emotional Intelligence during Tough Times

Wanted to share this article, "5 Ways to Use Emotional Intelligence for Creating Joy and Satisfaction in Tough Times."

The article suggests four strategies:
· Resist the Urge for Revenge (we all can feel threatened and unbalanced right now),
· Choose one Meaningful, Achievable Goal,
· Accept and Utilize Encouragement and Kindness from others,
· Practice Gratitude.

Research Says--Some Anger Good for You.

I’ve been writing about anger lately and was sent a terrific article on the subject. Confirmed my bias. Would I post it if it didn’t? Subtitled—“Repressing emotions leads to unhappiness, says Harvard psychologist,” you can read the entire article here.

The article says that while uncontrolled anger is never beneficial (for the giver or receiver), balanced expressions of anger can strengthen relationships, provide focus, and keep us healthier.

To live healthy, honest lives, we must find ways to acknowledge (even honor) all parts of ourselves.

Writing to Develop Emotional Intelligence

Lately I've been reflecting on my love of writing and realize that it is a perfect tool for increasing emotional intelligence. Writing can help us reach unrealized parts of ourselves.

Discovering myself.
As I string words together, sentence after sentence, my conscious mind slowly gains access to a storehouse of impressions, ideas, memories, and knowledge from my past. From brainstorming, to rough, working, and final drafts, I become aware of what other parts of me already know. Psychologists and others (have you read Blink?) describe a delay between the arrival of new thoughts (or feelings), and our conscious awareness of them. Before a thought/feeling becomes fully conscious, we may only sense it through elusive moods, or physical symptoms. If we don't take the time to contemplate (sitting quietly, talking to a good listener, or journaling) the thought/feeling may never come to consciousness. We then can't retrieve the information, and if the thoughts/feelings are a trigger for us, we may react without ever knowing why.

With patience, writing pulls forth all this latent information. We can discover not only our hidden feelings and beliefs, but also creative ideas that have been haunting us. To reach our inner knowledge, we need only take the time to keep writing, through the clichés and banality, until we find an idea that feels both familiar and new. We can then keep asking ourselves, what is this idea (or feeling)? What do I know about it? What else can I say about it? I am often astounded when, after withstanding the temptation to give up on a subject, I breakthrough and brainstorm many new pages on it.

Don't worry about aesthetics and form. Simply write to discover the goldmine of useful information inside. You have an inexhaustible source of knowledge, not only about yourself (which is priceless and exceptionally useful) but about any problem you face. I've always found that creative solutions are already present within a dilemma. We only have to dig for them. Journaling or blogging are great ways to begin.

Today I decided to explore the subject of writing itself. My experience in the writing also became the subject of the writing. Working through a labyrinth of ideas, I’m now beginning to understand WHY writing has become so dear to me.

What is your experience of writing?

Healthy vs. Neurotic Suffering

I'm in the midst of a mid-life renaissance. After years of frantic feelings, dashed dreams, and mystifying mishaps from without and within, I finally feel "in flow." This does not mean that life is easy. I struggle against my fears every day. But I sense a difference between the old struggle and this one. My previous life was filled with a "flaying around." I was constantly striving to achieve against endless obstacles. Today, I still have goals but they seem given, not chosen. When I finally surrendered my cherished dreams (to win the Pulitzer or become a famous theatre director), I was reborn to a new life, without my Ego's agendas. Suddenly, instead of throwing myself against metaphorical brick walls, new doorways opened. I felt like a teenager, suddenly awash in thrilling challenges that tested my abilities.

Before, my mind obsessively circled my fears. Today, I still suffer from fear but now, instead of constant worrying, I step into the rapids and let both fear and excitement wash over me. Instead of trying to control the waves--I'm riding them. Now, each moment both lingers and rushes past filled with millions of fresh and intoxicating ideas. I feel pulled toward a mysterious destiny that I still don't understand-- but trust more and more. I find that the great Taoist sayings are true: more gets done when we surrender and let ourselves be carried by our unique Fate.

How do you deal with worry and fear?

More Thoughts on Anger

In my previous post, I asserted the importance of acknowledging anger as vital to our health and central to self-knowledge (emotional literacy). But it is complicated. How do I honor my anger but still create more compassion in myself and in the world? Until recently, these felt like mutually exclusive mindsets. I'm only now beginning to reconcile my internal split--between the positives and negatives of my Midwestern upbringing. I'm relearning a spirituality without succumbing to a little-girl piety. My piousness may have looked good to my neighbors but it also repressed and distorted my true spirit.

With time, I gain more perspective on the pendulum swings of my inner journey. If I was the overly sweet girl who lacked basic self-knowledge and assertiveness, I grew into a tough woman who lost track of the tenderness in myself (for more on this, see my recent review of the movie “Wall-e). I see this same split or swing in others. The challenge is to both allow anger while not becoming overwhelmed or obsessed by it. An Olympian task! Still, to live fulfilling lives where we nurture ourselves and others, we must learn to walk this razor-edge.

Anger-The Unwanted Emotion

While I’ve never lived in another country, I have lived for long periods in the Midwest and California. As I moved from one region to another, I felt a seismic shift between two cultures that seemed radically different in their approach to emotions. Were my encounters atypical? Perhaps. Still, as I contemplate my 20-year study of the “inner life,” I’m fascinated by the differences I found—especially regarding anger.

At 26, I left the Midwest (and the Catholic Church) and moved to California. I began a 10-year odyssey, exploring theatre arts, psychology, and “consciousness studies” in Berkeley, San Francisco, and other mind-bending communities. I was surrounded by groups who explored their emotions without dodging the great taboo—anger. With talented professionals and earnest friends, I intrepidly began to explore my own inner minefield--sore spots, wounds, (complexes for the Freudian/Jungians out there) and springs of anger.

When I returned to the Midwest I, felt immediately disoriented. My family and friends seemed to have a radically different set of norms. While I had painstakingly learned to identify my feelings and gently admit them to others—now even the slightest acknowledgement of anger seemed to threaten my companions. All my hard-won inner knowledge and commitment to honest communication was suddenly destroying a fragile emotional ecosystem I no longer understood (or appreciated).

I’ve been back in the Midwest for 12 years now, longer than the time I spent in exotic California. I continue to explore my own inner landscape and the taboo of anger. In my workshops, it seems to be the emotion that most haunts my participants, especially the women. When I discovered the field of emotional intelligence, I was grateful for its validation of my own beliefs—that anger was a necessary emotion that should be examined, not repressed.

Have you experienced cultural differences regarding comfort with different emotions?

I’m curious. What are your feelings about money?

How do you relate to money? Do you feel differently about big purchases versus small ones? I know many people (myself included) who can splurge on a big expenditure but fret over buying an “expensive” Starbucks coffee. What are your habits? What are your fears or obsessions? Are you basically confident about your money flow or are you always worried?

A Smile for you Today

I just discovered this awesome video on youtube. A fantastic meditation on the power of kindness and how we have the power to validate each other.

What Training Can Really Offer.

While reflecting on yesterday’s EI class, I’ve been thinking about Josh’s 12/15 blog entry on 6seconds.org. While I am always awed and humbled when participants ask me to solve their personal problems, I agree with Josh—there are no quick fixes to offer. What to do? I want my participants to feel good about our training. How can I meet each person’s particular needs—especially if their requests are impossible to grant?

I’ve had similar struggles when teaching Time Management. My participants sometimes declare that I have nothing to offer them—their own situation is too unique and intractable. They describe untenable situations that have (in the past) caused my blood to run cold. Should I just pack up my things and go home? Then I remember what I know. I’m not a magician that can transform their workplace, but I can offer proven principles that work. When I feel lost in a training situation, I return to the principles. They are often quite basic but still, incredibly valuable. They also often require hard choices and the breaking of old habits.

In yesterday’s class, when “Ted” repeats his concern about his inability to feel emotions, I can’t let myself get dragged into his fear and despair. I need to remind him of a principle—Emotional Literacy is a skill that can be developed through practice. When “Annie” wants me to solve her problems with “manipulative” co-workers, I need to step back and find a principle. In this case, I can remind Annie that Emotional Intelligence involves our own skill at handling our own emotions, not controlling the behavior of others. We want to control others because it is scary and disconcerting to feel our own anger at “manipulative” co-workers. In this case, focusing on our self instead of others, we can use EI principles and competencies to learn how to manage feelings, examine thoughts, and choose helpful behaviors.

Doing Good

My sister works in a highly competitive, political environment. She calls it the “hall of mirrors” because of the constantly shifting alliances and schemes of her colleagues. Soon after her employment, “Jill” discovered that the charming banter of her co-workers hid stealth campaigns of character assassination and departmental warfare. Despite the risks, Jill dedicated herself toward transparency and integrity. She decided to trust her co-workers. She said it was easier on her than assuming the worst.

Jill’s tender and playful attitude helps others relax and brings out the best in them. Recently she gently obtained support from a famously uncooperative co-worker. “Ralph” even seemed delighted to assist. That’s Jill’s brilliance, she brings out goodness and then people feel good about themselves. I could see this in the supportive culture that has blossomed between Jill and her new friends. They are happily working together, despite the tumult all around.

I thought of Jill’s workplace while reading The Futurist’s lead story about an “ethical” area of the brain. Scientists are exploring if our brains are wired to develop an ethical awareness just as we are wired to develop language. If this is so, then even if moral beliefs (like languages) differ according to culture, we may share a deeper programming toward principled behavior. Are we structured to inwardly desire “goodness?” If we betray our own better selves, do we suffer inwardly? Jill’s warring coworkers do seem stressed and unhappy. Is being “good” part of our intended design?