The Power of Play

We all know how invigorating play is to our energy levels. Brain researchers are also finding that play helps keep our brains healthy. Play is a natural and needed part of life. How might we bring more play into our workplaces? More on that tomorrow. For today, check out this incredible photo shoot narrated by Stuart Brown, a physician and clinical researcher who founded the National Institute for Play.

Colin Powell's 13 Rules for Life (and Leadership)

You can see from this list why Colin Powell has been so successful and beloved.

Colin Powell's 13 Rules of Life from My American Journey (Random House).

1. It ain't as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.
2. Get mad, and then get over it.
3. Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
4. It can be done!
5. Be careful what you choose. You may get it.
6. Don't let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision.
7. You can't make someone else's choices. You shouldn't let someone else make yours.
8. Check small things.
9. Share credit.
10. Remain calm. Be kind.
11. Have a vision. Be demanding.
12. Don't take counsel of your fears or naysayers.
13. Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.

How to Create a Job They Will Love

Psychologists tell us that people have a basic need for autonomy, so the challenge is to create a workplace that is democratic, where everyone has the opportunity to participate in making important decisions.

Psychologists tell us that people have a basic need to feel related and to belong, so the challenge is to create a workplace that is collaborative and feels like a community.

Psychologists tell us that people have a basic need to feel competent, so the challenge is not to induce people to do a fixed series of tasks but to re-examine the tasks themselves.

(Frederick Herzberg put it best: "If you want people motivated to do a good job, give them a good job to do.") From Challenging Behaviorist Dogma: Myths About Money and Motivation By Alfie Kohn

Having the Courage to Discover What Fits Us

I love this old folktale. It illustrates how we contort ourselves to fit society’s expectations and cripple ourselves in the process.

Zumbach the Tailor.

Nathan had saved for a full year to buy a suit from the world-famous tailor, Zumbach. Finally, the day came for him to pick up it up.

Ah! So beautiful! The silk was exquisite and the craftsmanship superb. But as Nathan tried the suit on, he noticed that one sleeve was longer than the other.

“Zumbach, I was wondering….. It is a lovely, lovely suit but….you see here? You see? I don’t think that--”

“There is nothing wrong with the suit. You just need to stretch your arm out further--like this—see, it’s gorgeous.” Nathan moved his arm but then the upper portion of the jacket became rumpled.

“But sir, if you please the collar……”

Zumbach pulled on Nathan’s head. “Nonsense. Lift here. And tilt. Tilt….. Bend your leg here. See, it fits perfectly."

“But,” Nathan stammered. "Doesn’t my rear stick out from under the jacket? Maybe just a little bit?”

Zumbach's face was turning red. “Don’t you know how to wear an expensive suit? Just bend like this. You look exquisite.”

So Nathan did as he was told--stretching out his arm, tilting his head and hunching over his body.

As he walked down the street he passed two women. The first said, “That poor man is really crippled!” “He sure is,” the other replied. “But that suit looks fabulous on him.”

Dreaming of a Happier Workplace

I had a strange dream this morning. I was helping a new employee who had just been hired in our department. We worked comfortably together but then, at the end of the workday (as can happen in dreams), I suddenly realized that this new worker was actually a former colleague. How did I not recognize her?

In the past my former co-worker, “Cathy,” had caused great disruption and chaos in our department. She had felt like an adversary to many of us. But since I had no recollection of this in my dream, we began our “first” day at work together with ease and collegiality. My dream-state-temporary-amnesia allowed me to treat Cathy with warmth. If I had recognized her, our interaction would have been much different.

How many conflicts could be averted if we had selective amnesia with our rivals or foes? Our conversations would then be free of the tiny microexpressions and unconscious vocal tones that send out defensive messages (despite our best intentions). The problem is, our brain scrutinizes our environment for threats and then sears these threat-memories deep into our mind-- for our protection. Our brain doesn’t want us to have amnesia precisely because we would then be more vulnerable to dangers around us.

Emotional Intelligence theories and techniques help us understand our brain’s design. We can then, depending on our circumstances, work to utilize or circumvent our evolutionary programming.

While we can never have complete amnesia about past events, we can at least be conscious of our feelings. These can give us a clue to the unconscious signals we are probably sending. That is why self-fulfilling prophecies work. If I come into a conversation anticipating the worst--my expectations are likely to be fulfilled because of the signals I’ve sent.

Even if we can’t control our unconscious nonverbal behaviors, we can try to compensate for them. If I were to meet with Cathy today, I could emphasize listening, eye contact, smiles, and a gentle tone of voice to counteract other signals I may inadvertently send. Then we might have the same easy relating that we had in my dream.

Destructive patterns of interacting are very hard to change since both parties become stuck in patterns of aggressive or defensive signals. Still, knowing our feelings can help us break these patterns and create new exchanges with our coworkers.

The Power of our Thoughts

Look at the following list of negative thought patterns (from Dr Daniel Amen’s Change Your Brain, Change Your Life). Dr. Amen advocates killing these ANT's (automatic negative thoughts). Watch yourself today and see if you find ANTS crawling around your mind.

1.All or nothing thinking: thoughts are all good or all bad.
2.Always thinking: using words like always, never, every one, every time. --I never seem to do things right.
3.Focusing on the negative: only seeing bad in situation.
4.Fortune telling: predicting the worst possible outcome.
5.Mind reading: thinking you know what another person is thinking.
6.Thinking with feelings: believing negative feelings without questioning them.
7.Guilt beatings: should, must, ought or have to.
8.Labeling: attaching negative labels.
9.Blame: blaming someone else for your problems.

See if you can develop an internal anteater to hunt down and devour the negative thoughts that are ruining your life. What is this like for you?

Yikes! Yelling at Work?

In a survey of more that a thousand U.S. workers, 42 per cent reported incidences of yelling and other kinds of verbal abuse in their workplaces, and almost 30 percent admitted to having yelled at a co-worker themselves.

How healthy is your workplace?

How do you deal with negative feelings at work?

Quote for Today

"Obstacles are those frightening things that become visible when we take our eyes off our goals."

Henry Ford

Fighting at work (with a smile).

I’m always amazed to hear the stories of how people subtly fight at work. Through procrastination, gossip, stonewalling, and other passive-aggressive methods, co-workers can find clever ways to obstruct progress while appearing helpful.

So much conflict can be hidden under the surface of our actions and conversations. In the theatre, this is called “subtext.”

Here are some examples of ways employees fight while smiling. Names have been changed but the scenarios are true.

1. Creating obstacles. “Tracy” is a talented office manager, but if she feels slighted, her ability to solve problems comes to a screeching halt. Suddenly, numerous intractable obstacles appear. If one is solved, another emerges. Some coworkers have called Tracy, “controlling” and they complain of her micromanaging. Others have learned to keep Tracy “in the loop” and report no problems. They have realized Tracy’s need to feel needed. While some coworkers are stuck in constant battles with Tracy’s procedures, others have found a coworker with incredible talents and a powerful work ethic.

2. Stonewalling. “Joan” feels insecure in her new supervisory position. Because of this, she confesses (to her closest friends) ongoing suspicions of her colleagues’ motives. Because Joan is convinced that most of her staff are against her, she rarely listens to their concerns. Instead, convinced that they want her to fail, she schemes to achieve her goals without her staff’s input. Tracy (see above) works for Joan. Can you imagine their battles? While friends sometimes challenge Joan to question her beliefs, their words make little impact. Joan’s fear overrides every other message.

3. Gossip. “Carla,” also works for Joan, and like Tracy, values being included in decision-making. Carla detests Joan’s autocratic style and has grown to want her boss to fail (those fulfilling Joan’s greatest nightmare). Carla gossips about Joan and has predisposed many in the organization to dislike the new supervisor.

Joan, Tracy, and Carla also have different working styles. Carla and Tracy like order, predictability, and security. Joan likes spontaneity, risk, and quick decisions. As the supervisor, Joan hasn’t taken the time to understand her staff’s need for structure. Joan is certain of her staff’s defiance, but she is unaware of how she has helped create it. Because Joan assumes the worst from Carla and Tracy, she has never tried to discover what these women need to function at their best. Instead, Joan relies on brute authority and her staff finds ways to thwart her goals.

How does fighting manifest in your workplace?

How to Motivate

Here’s a wonderful paragraph from Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards. I think she’s at the heart of the motivational “problem” here.

Once you start thinking about people rather than behaviors, you begin to ask questions like "What do people need -- and what can we do to help meet those needs?" Psychologists tell us that people have a basic need for autonomy, so the challenge is to create a workplace that is democratic, where everyone has the opportunity to participate in making important decisions. Psychologists tell us that people have a basic need to feel related and to belong, so the challenge is to create a workplace that is collaborative and feels like a community. Psychologists tell us that people have a basic need to feel competent, so the challenge is not to induce people to do a fixed series of tasks but to re-examine the tasks themselves. (Frederick Herzberg put it best: "If you want people motivated to do a good job, give them a good job to do.") From Challenging Behaviorist Dogma: Myths About Money and Motivation By Alfie Kohn

The Inner World

I sit. I wait. I recharge.

But instead of basking in the sunshine like Wall-e (in his namesake movie), I bask in silence. I sit and wait. New ideas will flow in-eventually. I know this process well.

But this morning, after a hectic week, my recharging is taking longer and I'm slow to access new insights. My psyche is “processing” the week but I can't yet hear my intuitive voice. Vast stores of information are hidden from me, just outside my consciousness.

So I sit. I wait. My mind wanders or sits blank. I'm “sharpening my saw,” (a la Stephen Covey). It feels great and I know this “idle” time will pay large dividends in future creativity and insights.

I stare at a beautiful pine tree. I am here, now. The tree speaks of strength and patience and the spring approaching. I notice the branches waving in the wind and the gray sky. I hear my chimes and birds. I feel grateful for this moment as I draw near my soul.

How do you recharge?

Have You Seen Steve Jobs Stanford Speech?

Real wisdom that is worth contemplating.

The Power of Play

Are you getting enough recreation (re-creation) in your life? At work and at home, play restores us and helps us think creatively. Here’s more on how play changes our brains and helps us learn flexibility and adapt to changes in our environment.

Changing Your Mind

I’ve been reading books on brain science for years. Some of my favorites include: The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, Healing the Hardware of the Soul, The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness, and Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain among others.

One lesson I’ve extracted from research is that neural pathways in the brain build up through repetition. These become our perceptions, ideas, and beliefs about reality. We see what we expect to see. We experience what we expect to experience. The good news is that we can extinguish negative perceptions (such as irrational anxiety) through cognitive exercises. This isn’t easy work and it does require persistence and focus but my books tell me it can be achieved. I’ve been experimenting on myself lately with some success.

It is ironic--since I am a trainer/presenter—that for years I’ve suffered anxiety over public presentations or other teaching events that are important to me. (While I know a certain degree of anxiety/excitement before speaking is normal, I would prefer less of the former and more of the latter.) I’ve used a variety of methods to manage this internal unrest and I’ve had many great teaching/training experiences. Even so, I can still sense that my brain-computer seems programmed to link “excitement over presenting” to “something will go wrong foreboding.”

Through research into my past, I’ve discerned how this glitch developed in my psyche. That knowledge is helping me “talk back” to the disturbing thoughts that rise to consciousness. But there is another level of pre-conscious thought that will increase my heart rate as a presentation approaches. Can I get to the root of this apprehension?

I’ve been experimenting with meditation, visualization, and hypnotherapy techniques. My goal is to create a new synaptic pathway. Instead of “excitement over presenting” leading to “something will go wrong fear,” I want to link “excitement over presenting” to a very positive memory that creates calm in my body. I’ve been using memories of sitting on a private balcony on a cruise ship sailing Caribbean waters. Each time I think of my presentation, I try to conjure up memories of the smells, sights, sounds, tastes, and tactile sensations of that week. My body has been relaxing. I think I’m beginning to extinguish my former associations and replace them with this new link.

While our minds and bodies naturally seek health and wellness, sometimes our physical or psychological systems can get stuck in dis-ease. We can use pills to fight our backaches or counteract anxiety and sometimes these are necessary. But medicine can also mask our symptoms without approaching the root of the problem.

Have you ever used visualization to change your performance or your perceptions?

Checklist for an Emotional Hijacking

My favorite part of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence, is Appendix B that outlines the “Hallmarks of an Emotional Mind.” If you’ve had a reaction and wonder if your emotions have “hijacked” you, look to see if your reactions fit this list:

1. A quick but sloppy response: an accurate perception is sacrificed for speed. Speed is what makes our emotions so helpful at protecting us from danger, and so harmful (when the danger is imagined).
2. Feelings come first: then we realize what happened. Our feelings seem to happen to us. We can practice ways of intervening but strong feelings have biological pathways that will always precede thought.
3. Our emotions often have a childlike logic and can contain symbolic meanings. This is why it is impossible to argue with someone "possessed" by an emotion. It is also why deciphering the meaning of an emotion can be so difficult.
4. Strong feelings are often a reaction to past events-- not present realities. Taking time to understand these emotions can help us identify the unconscious thoughts (from the past) that are still driving our behavior (and reactions).
5. Our perception of reality is based on the emotion we are feeling. Even our memories can shift as we seek "proof" and "justification" for our reactions. Even though we may be very wrong in our assessments, strong feelings can leave us convince of their accuracy.

How would you describe the experience of being overtaken by an emotion?

A Powerful Morbid Question

I’ve recently seen plays and movies focused on our mortality (Our Town, Synechode--New York). These artworks ask us to ponder our choices because, no matter how long we live, our time is limited. Natasha Richardson’s terrible accident has also pushed this point forward in me.

While it may seem morbid, a classic coaching question can help us locate the essential in our life: If you only had 6 months to live, what would you change about your life?

Are you living the life you most desire?

I wish you many healthy, happy years to come but the question is still useful …..what would you change if you only had 6 years, 6 months, or 6 days?

Dismantling our Habits

Ace was a better tennis player than his sister Sophie. He usually won their bi-weekly games. Then Sophie decided to take some lessons. She had taught herself to play and now she really wanted to improve her game. Her instructor required Sophie to take apart her swing, and her abilities deteriorated. Ace teased his sister mercilessly but she persevered. Week after week, Ace demolished her in the court. Then slowly Sophie's game improved. Soon she was back to her former ability and then, rapidly, she became much more skilled than her brother. Sophie's technique was consistent. Her serve was impossible to return. She played with less effort but more accuracy. Ace was forced to run the court from side to side since Sophie knew how to place the ball just out of his reach. Ace could no longer compete with her.

To improve our skills in any endeavor, we often have to sacrifice our old habits and familiar outcomes. We may be more prone to mistakes at first, but if we are willing to question and dismantle our attitudes, beliefs, and knowledge, we can develop abilities that are even more advanced.

The Small Emotions of Everyday Life

Nancy confided to me of a difficult relationship at work. She said she had been friendly to “Bill” when he first arrived, but his sour expressions angered her. He never acknowledged her presence and Nancy had had enough. She was now offering Bill an angry expression in return. She would show him.

“I’m not willing to be nice to him anymore,” she said. “He’ll just be a jerk and I don’t want to put myself out for that.”

Yet, at the same time, Nancy hated carrying a grudge and a severe look. She was usually a very happy person.

Emotional Intelligence doesn’t expect us to be saintly and there are probably times when we need to protect ourselves from another’s aggression or moods. But Nancy felt stuck in a distressing pattern. We gently began to examine her thoughts about Bill.

“I’m not sure why he hates me so much—“
“He hates you?”
“Well, not hate. He couldn’t hate me, he doesn’t even know me. But he clearly doesn’t like me. He’s friendly to other people.”
“Who?”
“People in his own department. I’m in another department.”
“Could there be another reason why he isn’t friendly to you?”

Nancy thought for a moment. “He could be shy.”
“That might explain why he’s friendly with people in his own department.”
“I guess. I’m not sure. I only know that he’s very unfriendly to me and I hate it.”
“You take it personally.”
“Yes.”
“So it could be that he doesn’t like you personally. Or it could be that he’s shy. Any other reason he might not be friendly to you?

Nancy couldn’t think of anything.

“Maybe he thinks you don’t like him?”
“I tried to be nice to him. I introduced myself. But he’s been nothing but rude to me.”

Nancy's nonverbals made her feelings clear. “You don’t like him….”
“No. I don’t.”
“Maybe he’s picked that up?”
“Maybe.”

We let the subject go and talked about other matters, then gradually drifted back to Bill and the subject of “emotional contagion.” I told Nancy about The Tipping Point, a wonderful book offering stories that illustrated emotional contagion—the way our emotions can “infect’ others. Some of us are more sensitive and pick up others’ moods rapidly. Maybe Bill and Nancy were feeding off each other’s negative energy. Nancy listened to some sections of the book. It made sense to her. Looking lighter, Nancy decided to cut Bill some slack—maybe he was doing the best he could under the circumstances. She didn’t want to help spread destructive emotions at work. She wanted to make her workplace, and the world in general, more positive. She would start with her own emotional messages.

I saw a shift in Nancy as we talked. She was no longer stuck on wanting “justice,” or even doing the “nice” action. She was able to move beyond her struggles with Bill when she saw a bigger picture: her small but important contribution to the world.

What idea has worked for you? How did a simple phrase, word, or concept help you shift into a new way of thinking?

Time Management and the Water Cooler.

During a workshop, Julie talked about long-winded co-workers she avoided. She felt bad about this and feared alienating friends at work. But since each individual could cost her 30 to 60 minutes of her day, Julie was frustrated. What could she do? She tried to be pleasant and keep her chats brief but her tactics often failed.

Julie noticed that she did enjoy talking with a few of her co-workers. What made them different from the others? These were people who added value to her day. They provided important information about her job, or, if the discussions became personal, the stories were briefer, more focused, and without repetition. Her other coworkers sometimes repeated the same stories or clichés for days--even weeks!

What value does your communication have for other people? Do you waste time rehashing old ideas or repeating the same information to each colleague individually?

What Are You Feeling Today?

Can you name the eight basic emotions?
If you’re working in EI, this is a gimme question. If not, this may be tougher. Try to name them now. I’ll list them at the bottom of the post.

It’s very common for all of us to avoid naming our feelings (too vulnerable) and talk around them instead.

In the course of a somewhat difficult conversation, my cousin recently said to me, “I want to tell you what I am feeling.” (She knows I like that.) “What?” I asked.

“I’m feeling that you’ve changed a lot,” she said. “That’s what I’m feeling.” I didn’t want to correct her. But she hasn’t gotten to her feelings yet. Is she angry at my change, or sad? Or was she fearful? She keeps circling and circling around the same idea: “You’ve changed a lot, you never used to be like this. I can’t get used to your changes. You’ve changed a lot haven’t you?”

Maybe. I guess I’ve changed. We all do. But why is she repeating and repeating this? Her obsessing about this isn’t a feeling. It masks her feeling. What is Mary feeling? My guess, based on other conversations and her nonverbals, is that Mary feels guilty. If I’m right, her deeper thoughts could be something like: “What if I’ve been treating you one way and you’ve actually been different than I thought? What if I misread you all along? Have our fights come from these misunderstandings?”

Feelings are often very difficult to decode (see previous post). But if we can uncover our underlying feelings (one of the basic eight), this self-knowledge can lead us to helpful and healthy actions.

Can you name the basic eight? They are universal:
anger, sadness, fear, joy, trust, disgust, anticipation, or surprise.

What are you feeling today?