We're not alone.

Just met with another client and am always struck by how universal our problems are.  We think we're unique and suffering alone.  We're mostly struggling with the same issues.  That fact always helps my clients feel a little better.  That, and the fact that behavior can change with insight and effort.

Today's tweet

Improve your public #speaking? Small class! 8/8, 9-5 #Waubonsee College, Sugar Grove, IL. 1 day lifechanger.  Fun too. http://twt.mx/RumH

What's your conflict style?

How do you handle conflict?  Typically, where do you find yourself on the graph below?  While there are times when avoiding, accommodating, competing, and compromising are appropriate reactions-- for best long-term results,  collaborating is most effective.  This style of resolving conflict requires a mindset of curiosity, creativity, and comfort with uncertainty.  Collaborating may take longer than compromise but its win/win solutions feel great.  They build morale and can further increase motivation and

innovation.

Join us this Sunday at the Life Force Arts Center!    More info.

Embodied Myth:  Exploring “The Three Languages”

Embodied Myth is a depth group process that uses the great body of world literature to gain a better understanding of ourselves and our connection to the world around us.  Through Embodied Myth, we gain a greater understanding of what is going on under the surface of life, using the myth as a tool, a guide, and a safe structure. We reconnect with unrecognized parts of ourselves, the archetypal forces tugging inside and outside us. We also encounter the healing wisdom hidden in myths and fairytales. The archetypal themes in these old stories hold true across cultures and time.

The German fairy tale The Three Languages explores the hero’s journey, our connection to animals, and our own instincts. Using storytelling, meditation, role-playing, and discussion, we enter the story on a deep and personal level, and at the same time realize our connection to another time and place. Come join us in a storytelling circle.  We’ll explore our own mythic journeys and meet archetypes within the story and within ourselves.  No acting experience necessary, participants can choose to act or be part of the audience. 

A simple diagram for a complex set of skills

This is from Daniel Goleman's newest book on EI

Ben Franklin and New Year's Resolutions

Just found this list of virtues developed by Ben Franklin.  A good reminder for living a healthier, more balanced life.  Could be useful if you're looking for a New Year's resolution.

Benjamin Franklin’s Virtues and Precepts

·  TEMPERANCE  -Eat not to Dullness, Drink not to Elevation

·  SILENCE - Speak not but what way benefit others or your self. Avoid trifling conversation.

·  ORDER -Let all your Things have their Places. Let each Part of your Business have its Time.

·  RESOLUTION - Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.

·  FRUGALITY - Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e. Waste nothing.

·  INDUSTRY - Lose no Time – Be always employed in something useful. – cut off all unnecessary Actions.

·  SINCERITY - Use no hurtful Deceit. Think innocently and justly;and, if you speak; speak accordingly.

·  JUSTICE - Wrong none, by doing Injuries or omitting the Benefits that are your Duty.

·  MODERATION - Avoid Extremes. Forbear resenting Injuries so much as you think they deserve.

·  CLEANLINESS - Tolerate no Uncleanness in Body, Clothes or Habitation.

·  TRANQUILITY - Be not disturbed at Trifles, or at Accidents common or unavoidable.

Quote to Live By

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
---Steve Jobs

Quote from my friends at Six Seconds

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
- Viktor Frankl

Are you missing some important data today?

According to Peter Salovey (Yale University), Emotions are "real-time feedback signals."  What are your emotions telling you today?

An important reminder. Anger is not the problem.

 Angry feelings contain information.  How we use this information (our behavior) is key.  Our anger can motivate us positively—to try harder.  Or negatively, to give up or lash out.  Repressing anger is not the same as managing anger.  Repression backfires.  Managing anger allows us to communicate effectively with others and obtain useful information (and motivation) for ourselves.

"Birth of an Idea" Fun!!!

The Creative Process Takes Time.  Are you giving time for your own gestation of new ideas?


Untitled from Joe Russell on Vimeo.

Is it possible to teach Emotional Intelligence (and why should we bother)?

I’ll confess: even though I know the value of EI (proven in research and my own experience), sometimes the subject seems too hard to teach. Most of us have been taught to avoid and repress our emotions. The simple question: What are you feeling right now?” is often met with blank stares or vague generalities: “I’m good.”

Since our emotions are often confusing or embarrassing, our reluctance to explore them makes sense. And even if we can figure out what we’re feeling, what difference does it make?

One reason to explore our emotions is that they are the only way to glimpse our “internal wiring.” Each of us “run” on a “program” of unconscious thoughts, beliefs, fears, biases, and desires. Our emotions are a window into these deeper parts of ourselves. Even if our emotions don’t reflect “reality” they do reflect our own perceptions. Learning to understand our inner world is the first step toward understanding how we “tick.” Then we can learn when to trust or distrust our instincts. We can develop our own unique intuition, a moment by moment GPS system that can guide us in the hundreds of decisions we make every day.

Ignoring our emotions is like refusing to read the directions for a powerful new gadget. Without this technical information, we’ll probably overlook some really cool device applications. Likewise, without a deeper knowledge of our own emotional patterns, we can misread others, make poor choices, and get stuck in some miserable situations.

It is also impossible to develop empathy (the WD40 of relationships) without emotional awareness. How can I understand your fear or anger if I’m unaware of my own?

Examining our emotions isn't easy but, like any skill, we will improve with practice. The rewards for this self-knowledge are great.

EI Thought for the Day

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
Tao Te Ching

How feelings affect the bottom line.

My friend, Jill, is getting a new website.  Her designer, Doug, is an exuberant, fun professional.  Still, sporadically he will send Jill an angry email complaining about her requests.  The emails are respectful and polite but we can feel his anger.  Jill is always surprised by these angry outbursts.  Why is Doug angry?  Jill would be happy to pay more if the job required it.  

After a flare-up, Doug is extra helpful and often apologizes.  But the damage has been done.  Jill won’t be using Doug again and she won’t refer him to others.  His repressed anger makes her uncomfortable.  If he would simply say to her, “I’m afraid that the scope of our work is expanding," Jill could hear this.  But Doug remains oblivious to his own feelings and their effect on his business.

© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. ~Harry S Truman

How do I model accountability for my team?

• Use accountable language instead of victim language.
• When you make a mistake or you contribute to a project that doesn’t achieve desired results, share what you could have done differently, and how you will use the experience to improve future results.
• Share gravity issues (those issues over which you have no control, such as budgets) with your team, and talk about how you can work within those constraints.
• Take accountability for the results of your team.
• Incorporate these principles into performance evaluations and recognition programs to demonstrate their importance.
Adapted from Ohio State program

When Anger Gets the Best of Us

Celebrities have the burden of sometimes revealing their flaws to the world. This quarterback is experiencing a moment of low emotional intelligence. His anger masks his embarrassment. If he was in touch with his feelings, he could have communicated more authentically and skillfully. He would have managed his feelings without reacting defensively (which made a bad situation worse).

Saying “no” --positively

Most of the time we are articulate, composed and pleasant. But lack of sleep, stress, or emotional triggers can lead to a poor choice of words. Even if we’re the king or queen of tact, it’s always great to practice for stellar customer service responses. My customer service workshop offers many great exercises. We practice key principles in refocusing difficult interactions and avoiding angry escalations.

Instructions: Replace the phrase in the left column with a more positive phrase in the right column.
Negative Phrase                    Positive Replacement
1. No.
2. It’s not our policy.
3. That’s not my job
4. It’s not my fault.
5. Calm down.
6. I’m busy right now.
7. Call me back later.
8. I don’t know.
9. The computer lost your info.
10. You’re wrong.
11. You’ll have to read the policy.
12. Most people know this.
© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Building Blocks of Motivation

Researchers from Maslow to Pink to Kuhn come to the same conclusions about motivation. Here's my graphic to remember their main points. I'd love to talk with your group about ways to keep our workplaces motivating!

© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Daniel Goleman on EI--NY Times article

A sad report here but something we can change.... You can read the entire article here.

As children grow ever smarter in IQ, their emotional intelligence is on the decline. Perhaps the most disturbing single piece of data comes from a massive survey of parents and teachers that shows the present generation of children to be more emotionally troubled than the last. On average, children are growing more lonely and depressed, more angry and unruly, more nervous and prone to worry, more impulsive and aggressive.

Two random samples of American children, age seven to sixteen, were evaluated by their parents and teachers--adults who knew them well. The first group was assessed in the mid-1970s, and a comparable group was surveyed in the late 1980s. Over that decade and a half there was a steady worsening of children's emotional intelligence. Although poorer children started out at a lower level on average, the rate of decline was the same across all economic groups--as steep in the wealthiest suburbs as in the poorest inner-city slum.

Dr. Thomas Achenbach, the University of Vermont psychologist who did these studies--and who has collaborated with colleagues on similar assessments in other nations--tells me that the decline in children's basic emotional competencies seems to be worldwide. The most telling signs of this are seen in rising rates among young people of problems such as despair, alienation, drug abuse, crime and violence, depression or eating disorders, unwanted pregnancies, bullying, and dropping out of school.

What this portends for the workplace is quite troubling: growing deficiencies among workers in emotional intelligence, particularly among those newest to the job. Most of the children that Achenbach studied in the late 1980s will be in their twenties by the year 2000. The generation that is falling behind in emotional intelligence is entering the workforce today.