Woke up this morning feeling afraid. A persistent and nagging fear. What is it? Am I afraid I'm in trouble with the church because I'm not going and I don't want to go any more? Why should that scare me so much?
I'm reminded of yesterday's reading (Helen Luke's The Laughter at the Heart of Things). Luke discussed "the daemon," the life spirit that animates and directs our life. When we oppose that spirit, we set up neuroses, psychoses, anxieties, and depressions. My conflict seems to be that I want to be the "good, likeable girl" and my daemon is wild, unpredictable, fierce, impatient, bold, and even rude. Or is that my (in Jungian terms) shadow? Hard for me to figure this out on my own, but in either case, when I deny this essential part of me, I get screwed up. In this case--irrationally afraid.
This struggle, to be true to my daemon, is the main theme of my mid-life-crisis-filled life right now. I feel like an awkward teenager, trying out different personalities and groups, groping for where I belong. But now, as I sense time to be at a premium, I feel a pressure to choose well. I don't have time to waste any longer. There is so much left undone.
(Is it the influx of aging boomers that has lead to our cultural preoccupation of "not enough time?" It seems like many of us are feeling this crush of duties vs. dreams.)
This morning I suffer through my feelings and projections that "I'm in trouble, everyone's mad at me." I know it isn't true but even if it were, I'd have to persevere. I must simplify my life! I need time to write, to meditate, to think! Besides work and Rick, those are my priorities.
How long does it take to release cultural conditioning? Soon. I can feel it. My anxieties show that I'm on a threshold.. Moving toward the doorway of a truer Self. May it be soon.