A simple diagram for a complex set of skills

This is from Daniel Goleman's newest book on EI

Are you missing some important data today?

According to Peter Salovey (Yale University), Emotions are "real-time feedback signals."  What are your emotions telling you today?

Is it possible to teach Emotional Intelligence (and why should we bother)?

I’ll confess: even though I know the value of EI (proven in research and my own experience), sometimes the subject seems too hard to teach. Most of us have been taught to avoid and repress our emotions. The simple question: What are you feeling right now?” is often met with blank stares or vague generalities: “I’m good.”

Since our emotions are often confusing or embarrassing, our reluctance to explore them makes sense. And even if we can figure out what we’re feeling, what difference does it make?

One reason to explore our emotions is that they are the only way to glimpse our “internal wiring.” Each of us “run” on a “program” of unconscious thoughts, beliefs, fears, biases, and desires. Our emotions are a window into these deeper parts of ourselves. Even if our emotions don’t reflect “reality” they do reflect our own perceptions. Learning to understand our inner world is the first step toward understanding how we “tick.” Then we can learn when to trust or distrust our instincts. We can develop our own unique intuition, a moment by moment GPS system that can guide us in the hundreds of decisions we make every day.

Ignoring our emotions is like refusing to read the directions for a powerful new gadget. Without this technical information, we’ll probably overlook some really cool device applications. Likewise, without a deeper knowledge of our own emotional patterns, we can misread others, make poor choices, and get stuck in some miserable situations.

It is also impossible to develop empathy (the WD40 of relationships) without emotional awareness. How can I understand your fear or anger if I’m unaware of my own?

Examining our emotions isn't easy but, like any skill, we will improve with practice. The rewards for this self-knowledge are great.

How feelings affect the bottom line.

My friend, Jill, is getting a new website.  Her designer, Doug, is an exuberant, fun professional.  Still, sporadically he will send Jill an angry email complaining about her requests.  The emails are respectful and polite but we can feel his anger.  Jill is always surprised by these angry outbursts.  Why is Doug angry?  Jill would be happy to pay more if the job required it.  

After a flare-up, Doug is extra helpful and often apologizes.  But the damage has been done.  Jill won’t be using Doug again and she won’t refer him to others.  His repressed anger makes her uncomfortable.  If he would simply say to her, “I’m afraid that the scope of our work is expanding," Jill could hear this.  But Doug remains oblivious to his own feelings and their effect on his business.

© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Daniel Goleman on EI--NY Times article

A sad report here but something we can change.... You can read the entire article here.

As children grow ever smarter in IQ, their emotional intelligence is on the decline. Perhaps the most disturbing single piece of data comes from a massive survey of parents and teachers that shows the present generation of children to be more emotionally troubled than the last. On average, children are growing more lonely and depressed, more angry and unruly, more nervous and prone to worry, more impulsive and aggressive.

Two random samples of American children, age seven to sixteen, were evaluated by their parents and teachers--adults who knew them well. The first group was assessed in the mid-1970s, and a comparable group was surveyed in the late 1980s. Over that decade and a half there was a steady worsening of children's emotional intelligence. Although poorer children started out at a lower level on average, the rate of decline was the same across all economic groups--as steep in the wealthiest suburbs as in the poorest inner-city slum.

Dr. Thomas Achenbach, the University of Vermont psychologist who did these studies--and who has collaborated with colleagues on similar assessments in other nations--tells me that the decline in children's basic emotional competencies seems to be worldwide. The most telling signs of this are seen in rising rates among young people of problems such as despair, alienation, drug abuse, crime and violence, depression or eating disorders, unwanted pregnancies, bullying, and dropping out of school.

What this portends for the workplace is quite troubling: growing deficiencies among workers in emotional intelligence, particularly among those newest to the job. Most of the children that Achenbach studied in the late 1980s will be in their twenties by the year 2000. The generation that is falling behind in emotional intelligence is entering the workforce today.

The Puzzle of Our Inner Landscape

Staying with feelings is like putting together a puzzle. At first we sit in front of a jumbled mess. But puzzle makers trust that if they contemplate the pieces, they will begin to see patterns and how pieces fit together. Do you remember the feeling of sitting in front of a puzzle and suddenly understanding how the triangle filled with yellow and white fits into the whole? Working with emotions is the same, except that as we observe ourselves, we will have to tolerate both the confusion and the intensity of our feelings. Building a puzzle is fun; feeling our anger, fear, or sadness—not much fun. But the rewards are great.

Don’t doubt your process. You will begin to understand the confusing emotions within you. Write about them, talk to a friend, or simply contemplate while sitting or walking. The puzzle will come together. Maybe not completely, and certainly not quickly, but mindfulness brings clarity. With practice we begin to uncover the different mixtures and intensities of our emotions. We begin to recognize the triggers that produce emotions. We begin to understand our unique inner landscape.
© lewis-barr all rights reserved.

The Anatomy of an Emotional Hijack

My favorite part of Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence, is Appendix B that outlines the "Hallmarks of an Emotional Mind." Here is my own summary of his ideas. If you've had a reaction and wonder if your emotions have "hijacked" you, look to see if your reactions fit this list:
1. A quick but sloppy response: an accurate perception is sacrificed for speed. Speed is what makes our emotions so helpful at protecting us from danger, and so harmful (when the danger is imagined).

2. Feelings come first: then we realize what happened. Our feelings seem to happen to us. We can practice ways of intervening but strong feelings have biological pathways that will always precede thought.

3. Our emotions often have a childlike logic and can contain symbolic meanings. This is why it is impossible to argue with someone "possessed" by an emotion. It is also why deciphering the meaning of an emotion can be so difficult.

4. Strong feelings are often a reaction to past events-- not present realities. Taking time to understand these emotions can help us identify the unconscious thoughts (from the past) that are still driving our behavior (and reactions).

5. Our perception of reality is based on the emotion we are feeling. Even our memories can shift as we seek "proof" and "justification" for our reactions. Even though we may be very wrong in our assessments, strong feelings can persuade us.

We can't use willpower against our emotions but we can learn to work with both our thoughts and emotions to acheive healthier living.

How would you describe the experience of being overtaken by an emotion?

MMM….. The 3 Ms to Emotional Mastery

1. Manage your body’s reactions.
2. Manage your mind’s perceptions.
3. Manage your habitual reactions.

So easy to say but so hard to do! Training in Emotional Intelligence aims to offer insights and tools to achieve these goals—everyday.

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

The Daily Work of Emotional Intelligence

The first step is to allow myself to feel my emotions and examine them without judgment. I must trust that, while behavior can be labeled good or bad--all feelings are valid and acceptable. This is crucial since most of us learn, at a very early age, to judge emotions as good or bad. Then we dissociate from the “bad” emotions. We push them out of our conscious awareness and lose sight of our emotional impact on others.

The next step is even more difficult--to determine if my emotional “data” reflects outer reality.

If I think my coworker, “Beth,” is sabotaging me at work, I will feel angry. Is Beth really undermining me? It may be clear that her actions are wrong and hurtful to me. In this case, my emotions have helped me recognize the situation. Then I need to determine my action. Based on my needs and circumstances I can choose to do any of the following:
• talk to Beth,
• talk to my boss,
• look for a new job,
• or not take any large action but “simply” recognize the truth of the situation and adjust my expectations and future actions accordingly.

But, while emotions always provide important information, they don’t always give us accurate info about the outside world. What if I think that all my coworkers are seeking to undermine me? It may be true, but more likely it is my thinking that is distorted, not my workplace. Or, is it my own behavior that creates distrust in my coworkers?

Feelings provide initial information but interpreting this information is hard! I must be brave and honest with myself. The lessons I learn from my emotional data must (eventually) be consistent with feedback from the outer world.

If I find that Beth is truly undermining me, I will need to take action. If I discover that my own thoughts are distorted, I’ll need to adjust my inner dialogue (self-talk). (There are wonderful tools to help us do this work).

It is emotionally intelligent to remember that we can take actions to change our circumstances, inside and out, but we cannot change another person. Still, since our actions affect others, when we change our actions, their reactions may change too. If I decide to talk to Beth, we might be able to communicate well and resolve a misunderstanding. Or, if I work to change a distorted thought pattern in myself, Beth may sense less hostility in my voice. She too will relax and use a friendlier tone. I’ll sense this change and act with more kindness. Our interactions may now build off each other in a positive cycle. © 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Leaders Need Emotional Intelligence

Dave is a star technician who has been promoted several times. If Dave is to advance any further, he must solicit help from others. Now he must learn how to listen, persuade, be patient, contain his emotions, offer sympathy, feel empathy, and recover from the emotional onslaughts that come with group give-and-take.

Research has shown that supervisors and managers need even more expertise in emotional intelligence to do their daily work. Is your workplace filled with emotionally intelligent leaders?

Dear Amy, Nonverbals and Emotional Intelligence

I appreciated reading this story from today's Chicago Tribune.

Dear Amy: A mom who wrote to you was concerned about her teenage daughter being sarcastic and unpleasant, and losing friends.
My daughter also has issues relating to her peers in a way that isn't sarcastic. She is also very straightforward, even if it's not always nice.
We had been working with her on this, but she was resisting. She thought she didn't need to change.
Her counselor suggested that we videotape her and let her see it.
She was relaying a story from school with us, and we had her say it again on tape. When we showed it to her, she was shocked. She couldn't believe how her face looked and how she sounded. We are now having a much easier time working with her on reframing her statements.
Sometimes a picture (or video) is worth a thousand arguments.
— Relieved Mom

Dear Relieved: People who have trouble reading social cues often need training to learn this important skill. Viewing photos or video of other people's facial expressions can actually teach recognition.
Your daughter's therapist had a great idea — to show your daughter her own face.

"The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Small Business Owners"

Here's an excerpt from the article "The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Small Business Owners"

Emotional intelligence helps you:
-Deal with conflicts and problem solving
-Offer better customer service
-Hire the best people for the job
-Trust your business instincts and intuition
-Listen to others, understand them, and make them feel appreciated
-Control your reactions to challenges, and stay positive when mistakes happen
-Market to your customer because you’re better able to empathize with them
-Write better, more emotionally driven, content
-Connect with potential partners and build business relationships

You can read the entire article here.

What Skills Are Associated with Emotional Intelligence?

These 8 skills will make you happier, healthier, more productive. They will improve your relationships and your efficiency at work. They may take a lifetime to fully develop but all these skills CAN be learned!

Distinguishing Emotions and Thoughts
Recognizing Patterns of Behaviors
Recognizing Destructive Thought Patterns
Navigating Emotions
Discovering Motivation
Utilizing Optimistic Thinking
Developing Empathy
Discovering Meaning and Purpose

These are my descriptions of the core competencies developed by 6seconds. For more info on their EI research, visit 6seconds.com

The value of emotional data

If I’m speaking to manufacturers or other “no-nonsense” groups, I sometimes worry that my EI workshops might be too “touchy feely.” An ironic concern, yes? But my fears illustrate our culture’s discomfort with emotions. I need to remind myself and my participants that emotions provide powerful information that we can’t access in any other way. Isn’t it time to look more deeply (and take more seriously) this unknown territory in ourselves?

Here’s one more irony: companies pour over financial data and shop floor statistics. Experts try to find any small area to leverage and improve performance. But we still ignore the most important element of workplace efficiency-- employees’ relationships and communication in the workplace. How much more could performance improve if we perceived, understood, and managed the emotions that underlie our everyday thoughts and actions?
©2010Lewis-Barr

What are Your Emotional Abilities?

This “Ability Model” from researchers, Caruso, Mayer and Salovey, is a great summary and reminder of the many skills we must develop to use our emotions well. Each level illustrates the many benefits of our emotions. We can use our emotions to: access others’ states of mind, assist in decision making, understand what a situation means to us, and problem solve. How are your skills in each of these areas?

Table 1 Ability Model (Caruso, Mayer and Salovey. 2000: 57)
__________________________________________________________________________________
Level 1--Perceiving
Identify emotions in thoughts
Identify emotions in other people
Express emotions accurately
Discriminate between accurate and inaccurate feelings

Level 2 Using
Prioritize thinking by directing attention
Generate emotions to assist judgment
Mood swings to change perspective
Emotional states to encourage problem solving

Level 3 Understanding
Label and recognize relations among emotions
Interpret meanings that emotions convey
Understand complex emotions
Recognize emotional transitions

Level 4 Management
Stay Open to feelings
Engage/detach from an emotion
Monitor emotions reflectively

Every Emotion has a Purpose

Every Emotion has a Purpose is a basic tenet of Emotional Intelligence. I thought of this today when I heard about a study quoted on national news:
“Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad makes people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.”

Here’s another quote:
“…research suggests that sadness … promotes information processing strategies best suited to dealing with more demanding situations.”

Good to know that my moods can provide some benefits at work!

You can read the entire article here.

Can Emotional Intelligence Be Taught?

The Greater Good Blog posted this great article: Can Emotional Intelligence Be Taught?

Here's the conclusion (good news for all of us).

Delphine and her colleagues found that members of the group that received the training showed a significant improvement in their ability to identify their feelings and the feelings of others, as well as to manage and control their emotions. What’s more, these improvements were apparent not only right after the training but also six months later.

So while this study was a small pilot with a somewhat homogenous group of participants, the findings suggest that it is possible to increase emotional intelligence in the short and long term. “Overall, the results are promising,” write the researchers, “as they suggest that, with a proper methodology relying on the latest scientific knowledge about emotion and emotional processing, some facets of EI can be enhanced, but not all.”

Style Differences: Are You A Fighter or Flight-er?

Does your company use assessments such as the Myers Briggs tool? Many of my clients use these measurements to build empathy. Through them, employees learn that their different styles of communication are all acceptable and “normal.”

Lately, I’ve realized that differences in our emotional reactions can also be seen as a “style” issue. Some of us naturally want to “fight” if we feel threatened while others withdraw in “flight.” In the workplace, both fight and flight can be very subtle: a look, a few words, or a tone of voice. But if we are honest with ourselves, we can discover the hidden impulse of fight or flight in some of our reactions.

Fighters (my own tendency) can see themselves as passionate and feel that those who withdraw “don’t care.” Flee-ers want to keep the atmosphere pleasant and may see Fighters as destructive and out of control. Today I’m feeling more empathy for a co-worker who withdraws. I had thought he “didn’t care.” What a relief to realize that we show our care in different ways.

The daily work of EI never ends….

What is your experience of fight or flight at work?
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

What I do--In a Nutshell

Some folks have been asking me to describe EI and my training. Here's a brief description, from a conference brochure.

Using current brain research, emotional intelligence provides insights into how emotions function and how we can manage our reactions intelligently. Whether we are exploring the challenges of workplace anger, learning to be assertive, communicating effectively, or the effects of our nonverbal behavior—EI provides practical tools for changing unsatisfactory patterns. Using exercises, video clips, discussion and games, you will learn the value of our emotions and how to use them effectively. © 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Talking about Self-disclosure

I've been dialoging with a reader about self-disclosure. Thought I'd share a bit on this blog.

Ute writes:
I totally relate to your article.I often don’t want to share my REAL feelings, because I’m uncomfortable about what they are. Although, as a trainer, when I do self disclose, the most positive feedback I receive is when participants say that they really related to what I have said, and they appreciate my honesty.
Almost always, people say that they don’t tell their true feelings (particularly at work) because they will be vulnerable and they fear it will be used against them. I have never found a satisfactory reply to this comment. Because people do make fun of us and put us down for being open and vulnerable. What can I say to people when they ask me about this?
Laura Lewis-Barr Says: September 23rd, 2009 at 5:43 am
Thanks for your reply Ute. I also appreciate your honesty!My thoughts to your question: For me, part of EI is working to understand when a situation is truly unsafe, and when it is only my exaggerated fears (based on unrealistic thoughts) that create feelings of vulnerability. Learning to discriminate between my subjective inner world and the outer world is a lifelong process for me. Through practice and observation, I do believe we can learn to recognize when a situation is truly unsafe. That doesn’t mean that we don’t disclose at all, but we can be careful. We can also learn to withstand aggression from others and not take their words to heart. But it is very difficult!If we are able to stay in dialogue with the aggressors, we can possibly change the situation through our clarity, strength and courage. But it is hard!!!

What are your thoughts and concerns about self-disclosure?
© 2009 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved