Been struggling with a vague feeling of fear this morning. I've been writing about it but it doesn't budge! Strange. It isn't a feeling that relates to the present moment but just some kind of strange psychic remnant from the past. Some kind of dysfunctional, unconscious belief like, "If I really relax and enjoy myself today, something bad is bound to happen because I can't have time off like this, there is too much to do and too many people depend on me and besides, I'm destined to fail in all or at least one of these many new endeavors on my horizon." Crazy...... Feels good just to bring it out to further consciousness and show that thought to the light of day. It's been very tenacious this morning but at this moment, I feel a loosening of Fear's stranglehold. I breath deeper and easier.
My folks went off to a movie with some friends. They live in a Sun City development outside of Chicago. In them I see the genesis or my own crazy fear filled mind. They have so many blessings but each day is still dominated by an unseen task-master. Each minor activity on their agenda: grocery shopping, laundry, or lunch with neighbors, is filled with psychic worries about being late or somehow, "not doing it right." They seem to have no release from these constant worries and free themselves as best they can by watching lots and LOTS of tv and scheduling themselves very sparingly. Perhaps my current psychic purgatory is a purging. If I suffer through these outdated and unnecessary feelings, I can get through to the other side--freedom and peace.