Quote from my friends at Six Seconds

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
- Viktor Frankl

Are you missing some important data today?

According to Peter Salovey (Yale University), Emotions are "real-time feedback signals."  What are your emotions telling you today?

An important reminder. Anger is not the problem.

 Angry feelings contain information.  How we use this information (our behavior) is key.  Our anger can motivate us positively—to try harder.  Or negatively, to give up or lash out.  Repressing anger is not the same as managing anger.  Repression backfires.  Managing anger allows us to communicate effectively with others and obtain useful information (and motivation) for ourselves.

"Birth of an Idea" Fun!!!

The Creative Process Takes Time.  Are you giving time for your own gestation of new ideas?


Untitled from Joe Russell on Vimeo.

Is it possible to teach Emotional Intelligence (and why should we bother)?

I’ll confess: even though I know the value of EI (proven in research and my own experience), sometimes the subject seems too hard to teach. Most of us have been taught to avoid and repress our emotions. The simple question: What are you feeling right now?” is often met with blank stares or vague generalities: “I’m good.”

Since our emotions are often confusing or embarrassing, our reluctance to explore them makes sense. And even if we can figure out what we’re feeling, what difference does it make?

One reason to explore our emotions is that they are the only way to glimpse our “internal wiring.” Each of us “run” on a “program” of unconscious thoughts, beliefs, fears, biases, and desires. Our emotions are a window into these deeper parts of ourselves. Even if our emotions don’t reflect “reality” they do reflect our own perceptions. Learning to understand our inner world is the first step toward understanding how we “tick.” Then we can learn when to trust or distrust our instincts. We can develop our own unique intuition, a moment by moment GPS system that can guide us in the hundreds of decisions we make every day.

Ignoring our emotions is like refusing to read the directions for a powerful new gadget. Without this technical information, we’ll probably overlook some really cool device applications. Likewise, without a deeper knowledge of our own emotional patterns, we can misread others, make poor choices, and get stuck in some miserable situations.

It is also impossible to develop empathy (the WD40 of relationships) without emotional awareness. How can I understand your fear or anger if I’m unaware of my own?

Examining our emotions isn't easy but, like any skill, we will improve with practice. The rewards for this self-knowledge are great.

EI Thought for the Day

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
Tao Te Ching

How feelings affect the bottom line.

My friend, Jill, is getting a new website.  Her designer, Doug, is an exuberant, fun professional.  Still, sporadically he will send Jill an angry email complaining about her requests.  The emails are respectful and polite but we can feel his anger.  Jill is always surprised by these angry outbursts.  Why is Doug angry?  Jill would be happy to pay more if the job required it.  

After a flare-up, Doug is extra helpful and often apologizes.  But the damage has been done.  Jill won’t be using Doug again and she won’t refer him to others.  His repressed anger makes her uncomfortable.  If he would simply say to her, “I’m afraid that the scope of our work is expanding," Jill could hear this.  But Doug remains oblivious to his own feelings and their effect on his business.

© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. ~Harry S Truman

How do I model accountability for my team?

• Use accountable language instead of victim language.
• When you make a mistake or you contribute to a project that doesn’t achieve desired results, share what you could have done differently, and how you will use the experience to improve future results.
• Share gravity issues (those issues over which you have no control, such as budgets) with your team, and talk about how you can work within those constraints.
• Take accountability for the results of your team.
• Incorporate these principles into performance evaluations and recognition programs to demonstrate their importance.
Adapted from Ohio State program

When Anger Gets the Best of Us

Celebrities have the burden of sometimes revealing their flaws to the world. This quarterback is experiencing a moment of low emotional intelligence. His anger masks his embarrassment. If he was in touch with his feelings, he could have communicated more authentically and skillfully. He would have managed his feelings without reacting defensively (which made a bad situation worse).

Saying “no” --positively

Most of the time we are articulate, composed and pleasant. But lack of sleep, stress, or emotional triggers can lead to a poor choice of words. Even if we’re the king or queen of tact, it’s always great to practice for stellar customer service responses. My customer service workshop offers many great exercises. We practice key principles in refocusing difficult interactions and avoiding angry escalations.

Instructions: Replace the phrase in the left column with a more positive phrase in the right column.
Negative Phrase                    Positive Replacement
1. No.
2. It’s not our policy.
3. That’s not my job
4. It’s not my fault.
5. Calm down.
6. I’m busy right now.
7. Call me back later.
8. I don’t know.
9. The computer lost your info.
10. You’re wrong.
11. You’ll have to read the policy.
12. Most people know this.
© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Building Blocks of Motivation

Researchers from Maslow to Pink to Kuhn come to the same conclusions about motivation. Here's my graphic to remember their main points. I'd love to talk with your group about ways to keep our workplaces motivating!

© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Daniel Goleman on EI--NY Times article

A sad report here but something we can change.... You can read the entire article here.

As children grow ever smarter in IQ, their emotional intelligence is on the decline. Perhaps the most disturbing single piece of data comes from a massive survey of parents and teachers that shows the present generation of children to be more emotionally troubled than the last. On average, children are growing more lonely and depressed, more angry and unruly, more nervous and prone to worry, more impulsive and aggressive.

Two random samples of American children, age seven to sixteen, were evaluated by their parents and teachers--adults who knew them well. The first group was assessed in the mid-1970s, and a comparable group was surveyed in the late 1980s. Over that decade and a half there was a steady worsening of children's emotional intelligence. Although poorer children started out at a lower level on average, the rate of decline was the same across all economic groups--as steep in the wealthiest suburbs as in the poorest inner-city slum.

Dr. Thomas Achenbach, the University of Vermont psychologist who did these studies--and who has collaborated with colleagues on similar assessments in other nations--tells me that the decline in children's basic emotional competencies seems to be worldwide. The most telling signs of this are seen in rising rates among young people of problems such as despair, alienation, drug abuse, crime and violence, depression or eating disorders, unwanted pregnancies, bullying, and dropping out of school.

What this portends for the workplace is quite troubling: growing deficiencies among workers in emotional intelligence, particularly among those newest to the job. Most of the children that Achenbach studied in the late 1980s will be in their twenties by the year 2000. The generation that is falling behind in emotional intelligence is entering the workforce today.

A quote to contemplate

“Feeling and longing are the motive forces behind all human endeavor and human creations.” Albert Einstein

Tweaking my Secrets of Motivating Others workshop

I can't help myself. I'm always tweaking programs because I'm always learning more. Here's my most current description of a popular program, especially designed for managers.

For Managers--Secrets of Motivating Others.
How can I motivate Larry to take out the garbage? How can I motivate myself to write that report? These and other secrets are revealed in this dynamic exploration of psychology and emotions.
This session will cover:
• The three most important factors needed to create a motivated workplace.
• How to create the productive and pleasurable “flow” state at work.
• Recognizing language that derails or builds accountability.
• Thought patterns that increase motivation and productivity.
• Best practices to motivate yourself and others.
© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

What gets in the way of stellar leadership?

Fun exercise to improve presentation skills

Want to improve presentation skills for your managers or team leads?
Here’s a fun, effective exercise. It will provide great lessons for even the most anxious speaker. They key is returning to the emotional world and innocence of childhood.

In front of the group, have the speaker describe his/her childhood bedroom in as much detail as possible. Watch what happens.

The speaker will lose self-consciousness and become lost in the memories of their childhood. Since this is a strong (and emotional) memory, he/she will have no fear of forgetting “their material.” The speaker will be much more dynamic and naturally use gestures to explain the space. In fact, all speech mechanics (tempo, volume, eye contact, facial expressions etc.) will be effective because the speaker will enjoy this subject and truly want to communicate it.
© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Teambuilding and Trust Exercises at Work.

I often bring interactive exercises to my workshops. These keep participants engaged (and awake). But these exercises can’t simply be diversions or gimmicks. Especially in the area of trust. Researchers and business experts continue to confirm Patrick Lencioni’s (5 Dysfunctions of Teams) premise. Trust is vital for healthy teamwork. The irony of team building events is that the day can be exhilarating or fun but actually cause a loss of trust. This is because the real issues are never surfaced and everyone learns to pretend the team is now closer. Trust erodes at work the way it does in other areas of our lives--through sometimes small, mundane misunderstandings that seem too "unimportant" to talk about. These build into attitudes that filter everything we see our colleague (friend, family member) do. Lencioni’s work reminds us that trust is required for conflict to be handled effectively AND conflict must be addressed for trust to survive.
© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Decoding our Emotional Messages

If our emotions contain important information for us, why do we often ignore them? One obvious reason--emotions are disruptive and distressing. Another reason is that our emotions are often hard to decode. A dear friend was irate at the loss of a packaged “Anniversary Barbie doll.” She wanted to deny her anger (it embarrassed her) but her rage remained. What did it mean? After some delving, we discovered that she had unconsciously created a daydream that this Barbie would be a collector’s item and worth “big bucks.” This was, objectively, not likely. But even if “Debra’s” emotions weren’t giving her accurate info about her outer reality, they were giving her vital info. Debra realized just how fearful she was about her finances and retirement.

Another example is a client who continued to feel rage toward her supervisor. “Jean” created many excuses for her anger but over time, talking to good friends and writing in her journal, she began to realize that she was really feeling anger towards her mother. This unresolved anger was now being directed at another woman who reminded Jean (subconsciously) of her mother. The emotion signaled that Jean needed to resolve those early feelings. Once she was able to understand what her anger was really about, she felt a new peace and work and was able to apologize and build a great relationship to her supervisor. Jean’s emotions weren’t “wrong.” They just contained information that needed decoding.
© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Another tool--the Facilitated Discussion

After a meeting with a client, my friend and colleague Pam complimented me on having "lots of arrows in my quiver." She meant that I had many methods to choose from, when customizing a program. Wow. I love that. As the psychologist Abraham Maslow said, "If you only have a hammer, you see every problem as a nail." Last month I wrote that coaching a few employees may be more appropriate than training the entire group. Another awesome tool is the facilitated discussion.

Facilitators use structured questions, exercises, and specific debriefing patterns to help a group productively explore issues. Techniques such as "The Workshop Method" or the "Affinity Method" are useful to:

•Channel and guide participant input
•Integrate diverse and creative ideas
•Build an informed group consensus
•Develop purposeful, workable solutions.
If the team's dynamic is dysfunctional or simply unknown, a facilitated discussion can uncover root causes and create action plans. Because members feel listened to, they are motivated to participate and follow through on these plans.

But make no mistake: facilitated discussions are alive with both promise and risk. They create a venue to hear the real struggles and hopes of the participants. Rather than applying a formula, these structures allow us to deeply listen to the real situation and work with it. We may have to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort. Deeper levels of conflict may be exposed. But, just like the rigors of creating better health--we need to persevere through discomfort to arrive at healing. The pain is the precursor of new potentials and creativity.

© 2011 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved