The Puzzle of Our Inner Landscape

Staying with feelings is like putting together a puzzle. At first we sit in front of a jumbled mess. But puzzle makers trust that if they contemplate the pieces, they will begin to see patterns and how pieces fit together. Do you remember the feeling of sitting in front of a puzzle and suddenly understanding how the triangle filled with yellow and white fits into the whole? Working with emotions is the same, except that as we observe ourselves, we will have to tolerate both the confusion and the intensity of our feelings. Building a puzzle is fun; feeling our anger, fear, or sadness—not much fun. But the rewards are great.

Don’t doubt your process. You will begin to understand the confusing emotions within you. Write about them, talk to a friend, or simply contemplate while sitting or walking. The puzzle will come together. Maybe not completely, and certainly not quickly, but mindfulness brings clarity. With practice we begin to uncover the different mixtures and intensities of our emotions. We begin to recognize the triggers that produce emotions. We begin to understand our unique inner landscape.
© lewis-barr all rights reserved.

Emotions and Information Overload

Feeling overwhelmed with information and choices?

You're not alone. There is an ever growing mountain of information to consume and a dazzling array of choices in our daily routine. Learning to detect our subtle emotional reactions can help us sift through the competing voices, statistics, and pitches clamoring for our attention. Our emotions can alert us to subtle clues that our conscious mind has overlooked. Then, if we feel trust or distrust, anger, or fear, we can act appropriately. In this age of overwhelm, emotions can play an important role, especially if we analyze our reactions and learn (through experience) when to trust our intuition and when it is fallible.

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Joy-filled Lessons

Can you take a brief moment right now to do a quick exercise--recalling feelings of joy? (It will help your immune system and your productivity today--I promise.) Read the rest of this paragraph and then close your eyes if it helps you to remember. Imagine a joyful time in your life. Remember the people, place, or event. Recall how you felt inside and the details of the scene. Relish the memory.

In my EI workshops I often focus (in my zeal to help) on the challenging emotions—fear, anger, sadness. It's hard work to explore those feelings. But all emotions have a lesson. Joy reminds us of what we value and hold dear. When we focus on joy we remind ourselves of our priorities and desires. Joyful memories can also remind us of our strengths and talents. Are you sharing your unique aptitudes and gifts with the world (and your co-workers)?
© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Are you Paying Attention to Nonverbals at work?

Just for today, watch the nonverbal behaviors around you. Are you heeding the messages being sent to you? Are you aware of them but choosing to ignore them? Or have you been unaware of the joy, frustrations, sadness, or anger in the next cubicle?

What Path are You Creating?

Our habitual reactions create stronger and stronger neural pathways in our brain, like a path through a forest. With each new repetition of a thought or action, we reinforce our automatic perceptions and reactions. Feelings of anger, fear, anxiety—all our emotions-- can be reinforced through practice. Are you happy with the emotional and cognitive paths you are creating in your mind?

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

“The Tech-free Campsite" Rule for Meetings

When was the last time you were disconnected from technology? How did it feel? At your next meeting, try an experiment: have all participants turn off their phones and pretend they are in a gorgeous national forest or on an exotic cruise without phone reception. Can your group allow themselves to focus only on the meeting in progress? How does it feel to be tech-free?

Scientists are reporting that multi-tasking often interferes with our ability to perform well. While our tech habit may be hard to break (even for a short time period), the rewards may be significant: higher productivity, creativity and even better physical and psychological health.
© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Mining Meaning from the Stories of Your Life

The daily events in our lives are like holograms. The stories of our strivings and daydreams, or our mishaps and conflicts all reveal our inner core—our personality, our soul. Every event, no matter how minor, can reflect our inner world. We can mine the stories of our lives to extract the gold from them. We may even find that the lessons in our daily lives contain a “gold” (universal truth) for others as well as ourselves. © 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Rx for Strong Emotions

What can we do when we are triggered by a very strong emotion?
Rx for Strong Emotions
Release yourself physically--
Go for a walk.
Breathe deeply.
Start a relaxation process to stop a "fight or flight" escalation.
Explore your psychology--
Silently contemplate, journal, or talk to a trusted friend.
Determine:
What happened?
How come I feel the way I feel? (continue to repeat “how come” until you find out your deepest inner truth.) Don’t judge this truth, just find it.
Determine what needs changing—your inner perceptions or an outer reality.
© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Accepting Emotional Reactions--Our Own and Others'

Imagine you’re in a fight with a colleague. You tell your office mate what happened but she only shrugs. She doesn’t understand your point. Perhaps your coworker is furious because he didn't receive more credit for his recent report. In this same situation, you were unaffected. I may seethe when a colleague tells a white lie but this doesn't bother you at all.

We often feel superior to others when we don’t feel angry but anger (like all emotions) is only data. Our anger is telling us something about our inner or outer world.

Accepting all our emotional reactions (not behaviors) is vital in developing emotional Intelligence. Accepting our most embarrassing and confusing emotional reactions will lead to greater self-knowledge and emotional skillfulness. Accepting the emotional reactions (not behavior) of others will help us develop empathy and healthier, happier relationships.

If we can accept our differences in perceptions and emotional reactions we avoid two destructive impulses.

1. If we accept our feelings fully we are less tempted to blame the other person for our reactions. It isn’t accurate to say “you make me so angry….”. When we try to justify our feelings through blame, we only make a difficult situation worse. If I’m angry about a colleague’s behavior, it is my anger. I can describe the behavior and what I wish changed, but the feeling is mine. Other people may not perceive the situation in the same way. They may not feel angry -- but this doesn’t matter.
2.. As we accept our feelings we grow to understand our triggers. As we understand these triggers (a lifelong process), we are more prepared for them and are more able to manage our reactions.

Don’ let anyone criticize your feelings. Someone can question your actions, but never your feelings. Our feelings are data about our inner and outer environment. We need to explore this data--not suppress and deny it. As we explore our emotions we may find that our inner perceptions are based on faulty conclusions from the past. We may work to change dysfunctional thoughts which lead to emotions that don’t accurately reflect outer reality. Or we may find that our emotions are giving us valuable data about our outer environment.
© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

An acronym reminder tool

How do we work with less conflict? Here’s a useful acronym that I recently created.

When in conflict --DUEL
Describe—Describe what you need changed in your work situation.
Understand—Work to understand your emotional triggers and those of your co-workers.
Empathize—Can you find a way to imagine how the other person feels?
Listen—Listen for both facts and feelings--to discover their emotional needs.

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Conflict at Work

When trust is lost how can workers regain it? How can we turn around a poisoned relationship?

Team reflection:
Am I perpetuating a workplace conflict through gossip, my nonverbal behaviors, or silence?

We may feel justified in our feelings about “certain” co-workers but are we correct in our assumptions? Could there be other realities? How might our “opponents” see our behavior?

What is the cost to me when I hold a grudge?

What next:
Team members in conflict may need mediation from a neutral third party. Are you that person? Even if those in conflict aren’t ready to sit down together, “positive gossip” can build bridges and empathy. Can you help other team members understand each other better? Can you relate only positive messages and build trust within your team, instead of division?
© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Keeping the flames alive--monitoring the inner world

Rick and I have been enjoying some Fall camping. Sitting by the campfire is one of our favorite rituals. It is a time of relaxation and contemplation. The fire soothes us. But it does require tending.

The key to building a fire is finding the right balance of oxygen and fuel. We’ve learned to balance the logs just…close…enough. We allow space for air but keep the logs close--to build momentum of one flame on another. Then as the fire falls and settles we adjust the logs. We keep bringing fuel and oxygen where it’s needed.

If you leave a fire to itself…it dies. It winds down. A fire needs tending.

How is tending a fire like tending to our emotional and spiritual lives?

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Guidelines For Expressing Feelings

Recognizing and then expressing feelings is key to a balanced life.

Here are some guidelines:

1. Expressing feelings begins with an “I statement” --keeping the focus on me.
2. Formula: “I feel ____ (adjective follows: happy, sad, embarrassed, elated, etc.) about...”
3. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, they just are.
4. Saying, “I feel THAT...,” is probably not expressing a feeling.
5. If I can substitute “I think” for “I feel,” then I am expressing a thought.

Expressing our feelings allows us to share our needs without needing to judge another. We can help others understand our unique perceptions and requirements.

Emotional Intelligence and Time

Daniel Goleman writes in Working with Emotional Intelligence,

"The rhythm and pace of modern life give us too little time to assimilate, reflect, and react...We need time to be introspective, but we don't get it - or don't take it."

How do you take the time to be introspective, and process your emotions?
What form do your moments of quietude take? Meditation? Gardening? Walks?
How might you find additional opportunities to listen to your "inner voice"?

Managing emotions through the NOTICE technique.

In an effort to continually create practical tools to enhance emotional intelligence, I’ve created my own acronym for the daily work of managing emotions. I’d be happy to talk with you further about this memory aid. My participants have valued this tool since I started presenting it in my workshops.

Managing emotions through the NOTICE technique.

-Name. What emotion is this?

-Origin. When did I start feeling this emotion?

-Trigger. What was the trigger that started this emotion in me?

(These first three are “tracking back” steps that are detective work, taking us back in time.)

-I. Does this emotion give me information about myself and my habitual patterns or about the outer environment?

-Check. Is there another explanation other than the one I’m assuming? Can I check my assumptions about this event?

-Essential. Is this important enough to discuss with the other party now? Do I need to discuss this at all?

© lewis-barr 2010

An Impact Map Helps Clarify Training Goals.

The map is designed to help clarify the goals of EI training, including the specific skills targeted and uses of these skills on the job. It is a tool that can be used in several ways:
· to keep my own training designs focused
· to help anyone explain/understand the value of this training
· to help managers both explain the value to their staff (pre-training) and also monitor/support the growth of these skills over time (post training).

I'd be happy to send you a copy of this map or create a customized one for your training needs.

© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Let me Talk so I can Learn....

Long, long ago, when I lived in San Diego, I worked part time teaching English to foreign tourists. The school hired many theatre artists-thinking we were more dramatic and likely to keep our adult students enthralled while learning nouns, verbs, and adverbs. Still, when I was hired, I was told to talk only one third of the class time. I was to encourage my reticent students to not passively listen to me but practice their English through their own conversation.

I've found that talking one third and listening two thirds is a great formula for any kind of teaching. When facilitating meetings, I expect to talk even less.

But often, when I’m hired as a subject matter expert, I’m expected to share lots of content. I do love to share high-quality information. (A recent participant called my EI presentation full of "good brain food" --thank you, Paula.) When I’m the SME, how can I speak less and listen more?

A good question. One that causes me to reflect on the power of questions.

A thoughtful question allows participants to grapple with and more deeply understand any content.

I’ve been thinking a lot about questions lately. Here are a few that come to mind this morning. Perhaps they might be useful during your next team meeting?

--What current projects feel most satisfying? Do you know why?

--What projects or processes are working well?

--If we had more time, what are some projects or processes you'd like to change or implement?

--Where would you like this team to be in a year? In 5 years?© 2010 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Empathy--A cure for the common cold?

Scientists continue to find great power in our emotional reactions. Here's a new fact re: empathy from Jennifer Ackerman’s book Ah-Choo! The Uncommon Life of Your Common Cold.

Empathy is a powerful treatment: one study found that if cold sufferers feel that their doctor is truly empathetic—friendly, reassuring, making them feel at ease—their cold is reduced by a full day, compared to those who didn’t get such TLC at the doctor’s office.

Embracing the Creative Process--at Work, In Life

“If you already knew it, it would not be creation but
dictation.”
Gertrude Stein

Gallup Research Confirms the Importance of Employee Engagement and how to Achieve it.

To identify the elements of worker engagement, research firm Gallup conducted many thousands of interviews in all kinds of organizations, at all levels, in most industries, and in many countries.

These 12 statements -- The Gallup Q12 -- emerged from Gallup's pioneering research as those that best predict employee and workgroup performance.The 12 elements of great managing are:

1. I know what is expected of me.

2. I have the materials and equipment to do a job right.

3. I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day.

4. In the last week I have received recognition or praise.

5. Someone at work seems to care about me.

6. Someone at work encourages my development.

7. My opinions seem to count.

8. I am connected with the mission of my organization.

9. My co-workers are committed to doing quality work.

10. I have a best friend at work.

11. In the last six months, someone has talked to me about my progress.

12. In the last year, I have had opportunities at work to learn and grow.

Read full article here.